LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Four Minus Three Equals UCLA: “Students rioted in Westwood after the Bruins won the NCAA title Monday. By L.A. standards, it was pretty tame. Three kids tried to buy a TV with an expired credit card.” (Argus Hamilton)

And from the Cutler Rock Comedy Network . . .

* “President Clinton’s favorite side lost. That’s becoming a habit.”

* “When the Razorbacks led 9-5, one announcer said, ‘At this point, we’re going to see Arkansas go for the kill.’ He predicted the game about as well as Robert Citron predicted interest rates.”

* “Judge Lance Ito was rooting for his old school, UCLA. What a great life he has: a national championship and the fate of a USC Trojan in his hands.”

*

In the news . . . Jay Leno, on the President’s visit to his home state: “This is historic. It’s the first time a member of the Clinton Administration has gone back to Arkansas not in handcuffs.”

Leno, on Rush Limbaugh doing commercials for Pizza Hut: “For once, Rush can’t be accused of not knowing what he is talking about.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a judge ruling that this time, the Menendez brothers’ trial will have only one jury: “He said that asking more than 12 people to believe such a preposterous defense is unrealistic.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a survey showing 60% of men prefer briefs: “24% wear the same kind as their fathers. And 15% wear their mothers’.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on a scientific report saying that in the next 200 years, men will be growing breasts. “It also says that in 300 years, men may actually grow emotionally.”

Healey, on this week’s 41st anniversary of Swanson TV dinners: “Funny, they don’t taste a year over 39.”

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Hooray for Hollywood . . . Comic Jenny Church, on rumors Kevin Costner ordered computer enhancements of his hair on movie posters for the troubled production “Waterworld”: “Now his hair looks fine. But the plot’s still thin.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Sly Stallone getting $17.5 million for his next action flick: “The offer is reportedly for the starring role in the next Quentin Tarantino film, ‘Poor Diction.’ ”

And finally, after a week’s vacation, The Dave comes clean on “Late Night” about the Oscars. Among the Top 10 complaints about the Academy Awards:

* VCR ran out of tape after the first nine hours.

* The way the guys from Price Waterhouse reeked of tequila.

* Backstage, a snarling Roger Ebert kept people away from the buffet table.

* The Oscars weren’t properly grounded.

* Five words: Letterman is as Letterman does.

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Steve Sittig of San Dimas asked son Dylan, 3, what organs he uses to see. “My eyes,” the boy replied. Dad next asked what he uses to hear with. “My ears,” the boy answered. “What do you use to tie your shoes?” Sittig later asked.

Dylan replied: “Mom or Dad. “

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