LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on O.C. Rep. Bob Dornan entering the presidential race: “He says his word is his bond. And we all know what Orange County bonds are worth these days.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the controversy surrounding former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara taking the blame for U.S. involvement in Vietnam: “He did, however, receive a nice thank you note from Jane Fonda.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Texas woman filing a paternity suit against Arnold Schwarzenegger: “She first became suspicious when, to get milk, her daughter lifted a cow over her head.”

Adds comedy writer Michael Connor: “If DNA evidence is used to determine paternity, Arnold wants the samples collected by Dennis Fung.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on this week’s World Cow Chip Throwing Championship in Oklahoma: “The toughest part is after the competition--shaking hands.”

Jay Leno, on Superman’s proposal to Lois Lane on the season finale of “Lois and Clark”: “This will give Lois the whole summer to decide if she really wants to marry a man who wears his underpants outside his clothes.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on preparations for major league baseball’s Opening Day, April 26: “Teams are busy working on their stealing: Let’s see if we can charge $5 for a beer and $4 for a hot dog. “

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Cirque du O.J.: “Some good tax news for Marcia Clark. This year she can write Dennis Fung off as a total liability.” (Leno)

* “Robert Shapiro, beware. At my favorite Chinese restaurant, the current special is Sum Dim Lawyer.” (Russ Myers)

* “The jury has divided itself into two factions: Tastes great and less filling .” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “Today marks the 220th anniversary of the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere--and his lesser-known sidekick, Jeddidiah C. Cowlings.” (Miller)

* “Don’t want to say the jury’s been cooped up too long, but when Jay Leno performed last weekend, they kept asking: Where’s Doc? “ (Cutler)

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Hail to the Pete: “Pete Wilson, governor and presidential candidate, had an ‘annoying and bothersome’ nodule removed from his vocal chords. It won’t affect his speeches. They’ll continue to be annoying and bothersome.” (Gail Walpert)

* “The doctor said Wilson’s nodule was caused by too much speaking. But he’s not sure what causes the governor’s nose to grow.” (Gary Easley)

* “He should have had his surgery at that troubled hospital in Tampa. Maybe its doctors would have given him a heart.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “For a few days, he’ll speak only out of one side of his mouth.” (Ray)

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Santa Monica reader Sally Kutsunai’s niece, 4, barely touched her hamburger at her older sister’s birthday party. So when Jennifer asked for a second piece of cake, Kutsunai said, “But you only ate one bite of your burger.”

Replied Jennifer: “That’s why I need two pieces of cake.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.