LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on former Assistant Atty. Gen. Webster Hubbel, who pleaded guilty to robbing clients of $400,000 over 10 years: “Congress is investigating. They want to know why it took him so long.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on conservatives claiming that President Clinton has “taken the first shot across Rush Limbaugh’s bow”: “It’s ridiculous. Everyone knows it’s not his bow that’s the perfect target.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on a suspicious package found outside a Miami courthouse containing a white dove: “Although the box held no explosives, the dove was found to contain one-quarter cleansing cream.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the Menendez brothers’ request for a change of venue for their retrial: “They want the same judge Darryl Strawberry got.”

Reader Charlie Reinke, on CBS’ desperate ploys to draw new viewers: “They just announced they are changing the name of Jane Seymour’s show to ‘Dr. Quinn, Massage Therapist.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Lloyd’s of London’s reported financial trouble: “They may have taken some risky investment gambles: “Jury Duty II.”

Ray, on the required microchip ID for cats in Novato, Calif: “Bar codes didn’t work; their fur kept getting caught in the scanner.”

Adds comic Jenny Church: “There are still a few problems. Fluffy keeps trying to byte her own mouse.”

*

Comedy writer Jack Thomas’ warning signs you need a new doctor:

* “During surgery, he keeps repeating, ‘The thigh bone’s connected to the knee bone.’ ”

* “His white lab coat says ‘meat department.’ ”

* “He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.”

* “His malpractice attorney names him ‘Client of the Year.’ ”

* “You can read his handwriting.”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “A 25-year-old female flight attendant wants off the jury. She’s tired of hearing testimony with her seat in the full, upright position by day, and isn’t used to conjugal visits under 25,000 feet at night.” (Reinke)

“Who can blame jurors for rebelling? Look at who they’ve had to endure for entertainment: Roger Williams and Mr. Blackwell.” (Bruce Bellingham)

* “Court reporters asked Judge Ito to tell Brooklyn-raised attorney Peter Neufeld to speak more slowly, citing difficulty in understanding him. Particularly when he referred to O.J.’s kids as ‘da two yutes.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Ito worries about the effect repetitive testimony has on the trial. The Nielsen numbers are down and his TV-Q rating stinks.” (Alex Pearlstein)

*

Montebello reader Juan Jimenez attended a birthday party for his brother with his son Alex, 2. Jimenez gave his sibling an adult greeting card featuring a naked woman proffering a lavish birthday cake. Alex grabbed the card during the festivities, ran over to his father and said:

“Look, Dad, cake!”

*

SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.