‘90s FAMILY : Struggling With Parents, Pressure

When a mother and daughter came to Carlfred Broderick’s office for family therapy, the daughter complained of tension between herself and her mother over a cheerleading uniform.

“At first, you’d assume that maybe Mom was upset that the skirt was too high and that the outfit was too revealing,” said Broderick, a professor at the University of Southern California and a practicing marriage and family therapist. But after years of working with popular teens and their parents, Broderick said he doesn’t make assumptions like that anymore.

“In this case, the mom thought the skirt should be shorter so that her daughter would get more attention. She would also tell her daughter things like how to move her shoulder around so that she would show off her chest better. The daughter got upset at the comments, but her mother would say things like, ‘If you want to make it out there, you have to learn how to make the audience respond,’ ” Broderick said.

“Things like that happen all the time. A lot of parents get off vicariously on their child’s popularity.”

Sometimes, the parents have good memories of their own years of being popular and want their children to experience the same thrills. But more often, Broderick said, the parents never did have the popularity they craved, and so try to achieve it vicariously. Plus, they get a share of the limelight.

“These are the people who are constantly dropping their child’s name everywhere. ‘So-and-so, have you heard of him? He’s my son,’ things like that,” Broderick said. “They’ll send newspaper clippings of the kid to all their family and friends.”

Both parents may want social success for a child, but it’s more often the mother who will go to great lengths to push the child up the social ladder, Broderick said.

Many mothers do “define themselves in terms of their children and so they’re more likely [than fathers] to devote their lives to becoming the child’s sponsor and doing whatever is needed for their success,” he said.

If the child’s success is defined by rungs up the social ladder, slipping down can be disappointing for the parent, but it can be ruinous for the child.

“Sometimes, the first time I see a family is after the child has attempted suicide,” Broderick said. “If a kid’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a popular cheerleader or football player, not making the team can be a devastating experience.”

If on top of that, the child believes the parent’s love is dependent on his or her popularity, the child might feel there is no reason to live.

In situations where children are suffering from the stress of parents pushing them to be popular, Broderick said he spends much of the time counseling the parents.

“I try to help them refocus on a larger picture so they can see that their daughter being a cheerleader isn’t as important as their daughter being healthy,” he said. “I try to raise their consciousness and help them differentiate between themselves and their own life and that of their children’s. I might not say it out loud, but in the back of my mind, the text is: ‘Get a life for yourself.’ ”