Proving There Is Such a Thing as Having Way Too Much Pun

There are two things I used to enjoy that I no longer do. I used to enjoy watching ESPN. And I used to enjoy hearing puns.

Now, both of these things have become excruciating to me, because of a program called “SportsCenter” that appears on ESPN, day and night.

At a network that I have come to call ES-pun, no result of any contest in any sport can be reported without some play on words by anchor pundits who consider themselves as witty as Groucho Marx, when, in fact, many of them are about as funny as Karl.

A typical broadcast:

“Welcome back to ‘SportsCenter,’ where tonight the Houston Rockets were hoping to ‘blast off’ and send themselves ‘into orbit’ with another NBA title, in a ‘Summit meeting’ with the Orlando Magic.

“Houston was led, of course, by Hakeem Olajuwon, a Dream who has been a ‘nightmare’ to the Magic. Hakeem, he saw, he conquered in Games 1, 2 and 3 as the Magic did a ‘disappearing act’ against the streaking Rockets.

“Only Penny Hardaway put in his two cents’ worth during the first quarter, stopping on a dime, to coin a phrase, on this pass to Shaquille O’Neal. But the Shaq could not get ‘un-shaqled’ all night, nor could Horace Grant, who was denied his fourth NBA championship. A Horace, a Horace, a Magic kingdom for a Horace!

“Meanwhile, at the French Open tennis tournament, Paris was burning as Thomas Muster ‘mustered’ up the strength to defeat Michael Chang in straight sets. That clanking you hear, that’s the sound of the men, working on the Chang gang.

“Corey Pavin shot into the lead at the U.S. Open golf event, ‘pavin’ the way for the rest of the field. The Shark, Greg Norman, was still in the swim of things, and the Golden Bear, Jack Nicklaus, came out of hibernation to remain in the hunt, while Curtis Strange had a ‘strange’ kind of day. Here’s Tom Watson, chipping on 18 . . . and, elementary, my dear Watson.

“In baseball tonight, Chili Davis was hot and J.T. Snow was cool again, lifting the Angels to another heavenly Twin killing of Minnesota. The Halos have been on Cloud 9, winging to the top of the American League.

“The White Sox and Red Sox had no runs in them, going scoreless into the 10th inning, until Mo Vaughn had one ‘mo’ turn at bat and made Jim Abbott look like Costello, winning at Fenway the fun way. Tim Raines got soaked for four strikeouts by Roger Clemens, as it was ‘Roger, over and out’ for the Windy City against Beantown.

“It was ‘Bonds away’ in San Francisco, meanwhile, as Barry Bonds ‘buried’ the struggling Florida Marlins. The Marlins got hooked for four runs in the first inning, looking more like ‘Marlin’ Brando than like major leaguers as the Giants once again stood tall.

“The NHL playoffs continued in Detroit, where the Motor City hoped to be clicking on all six cylinders as it continued its drive on the road to the Stanley Cup. Chicago goalie Ed Belfour tried to buffalo the Wings, but the Blackhawks had bats in their Belfour all night, until finally Steve Yzerman ‘yzed’ it for Detroit.

“Well, the Atlanta Braves nearly went to the happy hunting grounds today when their team plane caught fire. The hottest this team has looked all season, the Braves must have thought somebody was smoking a peace pipe when they noticed flames coming from all four of the plane’s engines. Nobody from the airline, we understand, got ‘fired.’

“George Foreman, who is big enough to be five men, announced today that there isn’t enough grease in the world to make him fight Axel Schulz. At a news conference today in Las Vegas, the champion said he didn’t have the ‘Vegas’ idea when he would defend his championship belt, much less his suspenders and pants.

“Coming up next, an interview with Karl [the Mailman] Malone, just so we can do several dozen mail-related gags, followed by another segment of ‘Baseball Tonight,’ as our announcer makes fun of the names of hundreds of players, embarrassing them and their families, right here on ESPN.”