LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on cosmonauts bidding farewell to Atlantis astronauts: “They said: ‘Gladsnk, borta aquat dinsk chech nyet.’ Loosely translated, it means: ‘House guests, like fish, start to smell after 72 hours.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on shuttle astronaut Norman E. Thagard returning to Earth: “He won’t recognize the place. When he took off, Darryl Strawberry couldn’t hit and Hugh Grant couldn’t miss.”

Hamilton, on Gov. Pete’s July 4th speech: “One guy ran up to Wilson on the street to thank him for his stand on abortion. Wilson then thanked the guy, then asked him which stand he liked the best.”

Jay Leno, on the Unabomber’s manifesto: “It calls for the overthrow of the government and the burning of books, prompting Pat Buchanan to say, ‘Hey, that’s my campaign platform.’ ”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on South Dakota Gov. William Janklow’s proposal to run Mt. Rushmore National Park for 80% of current federal budget: “Of course, that might mean cutting the barber’s job and living with unsightly ear trees.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the NRA’s alleged financial troubles: “They may be in worse financial shape than previously imagined. They’re more than a month behind in their weekly payments to Bob Dole’s presidential campaign.”

Leno, on the Denver man arrested for pouring varnish on his wife during sex: “Was he channel surfing between ‘This Old House’ and the Playboy Channel and got confused?”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on how Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro partied on the 4th: “They hoisted their lien on O.J.’s pad up the flagpole.”

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Business Briefs: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Microsoft’s Bill Gates: “A $12.9-billion fortune makes him the world’s richest man, fulfilling the biblical prophecy: ‘And the geek shall inherit the earth.’ ”

* Adds comedy writer Stan Kaplan: “Gates, the world’s richest man? Not bad for a college dropout who can’t hit a curve ball.”

Peyser, on Smith Corona’s bankruptcy filing: “Apparently, the only person still using a typewriter is the Unabomber.”

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Among recently rejected country music song choruses, according to Kevin S. Healey:

* “My wife and kids left me, I sure miss the kids.”

* “I say I’m a man, she says I’m a mess. I say she’s just jealous ‘cuz I look better in her dress.”

* “My woman done told me somethin’ I may never get over. She’s gone . . . up ‘n left me, for Martina Navratilova!”

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L.A. reader Norma Oreskovich’s daughter, Kathy, 9, was told by her dentist that she needed to have an infected tooth pulled. When he told her he would give her an anesthetic to put her to sleep, she replied:

“It won’t work. I always sleep on my stomach.”