LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on The Newt’s MTV appearance: “He was asked the same question as President Clinton--boxers or briefs. Why didn’t the reporter just ask Rupert Murdoch? He’s been in bed with Gingrich for months.”

Jay Leno, on the tobacco industry saying that although nicotine is addictive, it’s also naturally present in vegetables: “How come you never see people standing outside an office building in the rain eating an eggplant?”

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “The American Medical Assn. has sent a letter accusing the tobacco executives of cover-up and conspiracy. The doctors even put a Nixon stamp on the envelope.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the L.A. parks commission chairman admitting he played 23 rounds of golf without paying greens fees: “Even worse, on every round he was permitted two mulligans.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the MTA firing the company doing the Hollywood portion of the troubled Metro Rail: “Sources said Shea-Kiewit-Kenny had dug itself a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

Bob Beberfall, on the survey revealing that 84% of men fantasize about being in bed with two women at the same time: “Actually, these men are very considerate. This gives the women someone to talk to after the man falls asleep.”

Mickey Rosenfield, on the Oxnard Police Department selling advertising on its vehicles: “The first corporate sponsor has been signed. The back of all patrol cars will now have a sticker that reads, Caution: I Brake for Winchell’s. “

Hamilton, on the call-in vote to decide the fate of the Miss America Pageant’s swimsuit competition: “They will have it for sure. Either the yes vote will win, or the President will declare martial law.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Michael Jackson hiring a new agent: “The superstar doesn’t shell out a million bucks to just anybody. You’ve got to have excellent credentials--or a court order.”

Ray, on the new on-line dating service, Match.Com: “A computer enthusiast can surf cyberspace, looking for his dream come true: That one special person who doesn’t have a life either.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Simpson’s lawyers have really been focusing on the time element. Johnnie Cochran says bill the client for 40 hours a week, while Robert Shapiro wants to bill him for 60.” (Ray)

* “Judge Ito ruled defense attorneys can’t question Faye Resnick’s ex-boyfriend about her drug use in an attempt to suggest the murders were a drug hit. He did say, however, that they were still free to use the theory at parties when they are trying to get a laugh.” (Cutler)

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Mission Viejo reader Ron Thompson’s grandson Corey, 6, lives in a house that overlooks Disneyland. Corey recently informed some visitors:

“You should see the fireworks in Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom . “