LAUGH LINES : Jokes

How hot was it? It was so hot that . . .

* “. . . in Washington, Bob Dole almost showed some warmth.” (Jenny Church)

* “. . . Joey Buttafuoco propositioned an undercover female officer just so he would be sent to the cooler.” (Paul Ecker)

* “. . . The Clintons, trying to stay cool while preparing for the Whitewater hearings, moved the shredder into the walk-in freezer.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “. . . O.J. Simpson didn’t even need a lawyer to cook up a new alibi.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the GOP presidential hopefuls sparring at the National Committee Conference in Philadelphia: “Bob Dornan and Pat Buchanan were so set on standing to the right of each other that both ended up in Scranton.”

Cutler, on Lamar Alexander hinting that Dole is too old to be President: “Dole tore into the last candidate who suggested that. And boy, was William Jennings Bryan humiliated.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Republicans asking oil companies to help rewrite the Clean Water Act, and the timber industry to redo the Endangered Species Act: “They’ve also got Manuel Noriega working on drugs, Fidel Castro helping with immigration and Charles Keating handling crime.”

Ryan, on scientists finding the biggest tree ever, in the Pacific Northwest: “It’s more than 1,000 years old. The trunk is so huge, Weyerhaeuser says it may take up to three days to cut it down.”

Hamilton, on the President’s plan to defend affirmative action and then end minority set-asides: “This after he blasted the base closure list, then signed it, and after speaking for prayer in school as well as freedom from prayer in school. God bless Bill Clinton. And long may he waver.”

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on California base closings: “They’ve snagged everything military in California except the set of ‘M.A.S.H.’ ”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on the financial woes of Southern California governments: “L.A. County has mortgaged so many of its assets that its bottom line has turned from red to Orange.”

Church, on dismissed Simpson juror Tracy Kennedy’s habit of gargling at the dinner table: “Some of those defense theories were too hard to swallow.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the FDA wanting to regulate teen smoking: “They need to know it’s bad for their health. If a teen has a cigarette in his hand all the time, how can he draw his gun?”

Cutler, on the Cincinnati judge who ordered a man to marry his girlfriend within nine months, after he was convicted of punching her: “Just another judge who’s a few cases short of a full docket.”

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L.A. reader Barbara D. Mehlman’s granddaughter Jennifer, 3, is toilet training. When she recently inquired to her father’s whereabouts, her mom said he’d gone to the bathroom. Jennifer ran there:

“Daddy,” she said, “I’m so proud of you!”