LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jay Leno, on the Unabomber manifesto: “In one paragraph he sounds like a liberal, then the very next paragraph he contradicts himself and sounds like a conservative. I think the Unabomber is President Clinton.”

Leno, on the movie “Babe,” about a pig who acts like a dog: “If you’d like a bit of Babe, he is appearing now here in L.A. His ribs are over at Tony Roma’s, his sides are at the Egg McMuffin place, and his snout and hoofs are in a Dodger Dog.”

Comic Jenny Church, on defense contractor TRW saying it will hire 800 engineers: “They’ll develop technology to send sound waves across a vacuum--to make a set of headphones for Kato Kaelin.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the brother and sister separated as small children, but who ended up co-workers 30 years later at the same post office: “Thirty years to deliver a brother. That’s about right for the post office.”

Cutler, on the Senate stopping federal health insurance plans from funding abortions: “Hey, Republicans. They are government workers. Do you really want them multiplying?”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the President ordering the government to use recycled products: “Republicans jumped right in with Reaganomics.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on a report that the Clintons filed false information on their tax return: “Apparently, they listed Bill as head of household.”

Hamilton, on the United States and Vietnam establishing formal relations on Friday: “It was like a ship launching. The Secretary of State broke a bottle of Coca Cola over the Golden Aches, and at last we won the war.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Darryl Strawberry’s return to the major leagues: “He went one for four, but was ejected in the ninth inning after trying to sell a game ball to a kid in the bleachers for cash only.”

Mills, on Mike Tyson’s return to the ring Aug. 19: “He is getting $35 million for a six-fight package. But to help with his difficult transition back into society, he’ll receive the pay in the form of script redeemable only at the prison PX.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Delta lowering its overseas fares: “What a great opportunity! It gives more Americans a chance to go where, in the past, only their luggage has gone.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on problems with the institution of marriage: “Couples are breaking up like a 4,000-year-old Peruvian vase shipped UPS.”

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La Crescenta reader Mary Jane Snyder’s son, Eric, had some trouble with a first-grade spelling test, missing seven of 10 words. But later that evening, while reviewing the words with his mom, he spelled each correctly. When she asked how he could do so much better, Eric said, “Maybe it’s God.” When she pressed for a further explanation, he replied:

“Maybe God is helping me now. He was too busy helping everyone else in my class earlier today.”