California’s Crazy, but We’re Living in a Nation of Nuts

“Lot of nuts out there.”

That’s the response I hear most often when returning to the Midwest and telling people, “I live in California.”

Conversely, no one in California ever says, “Lot of nuts out there,” when I mention I’m from Nebraska. Instead, they almost always say, “Oh.”

Just beginning my 10th year of California residency, I think I’m in position to answer the question, “ Are there a lot of nuts in California?” Or, are Midwesterners just dad-blamed wrong when they say there are?

By “nuts,” people presumably are referring to those who do things a little differently than most others. For my purposes, I’ll paraphrase a former U.S. Supreme Court justice and simply say that while I can’t define a nut, I know one when I see one.

Maybe I’m getting paranoid (oops, is that a sign of nuttiness?), but it seems to me that non-Californians get some special glee from calling us nutty. Don’t you get the feeling that whenever something weird happens, people are hoping that Californians were behind it? That gives them the chance to say, “Well, what do you expect--that’s California for you.”

Imagine the pleasure of some guy in Ohio if he came across these Associated Press dispatches from the not-too-distant past:

Brawley, Calif.--A company that administers three medical clinics in Imperial County has instituted a policy requiring that an employee bearing a hickey be sent home without pay.

And, how about this knee-slapper:

Red Bluff, Calif.--A Corning man has been charged with shooting seven of his own sheep during a temper tantrum, Tehama County sheriff’s deputies said.

To you and me, those stories may not sound the least bit odd. To outsiders with an agenda, though, they could qualify as “nutty,” or, at the very least, the kind of things they’d tell their friends, “Hey, come read about what happened out there in California.”

I must say it didn’t help last week when I stumbled across this dispatch:

SAN DIEGO, Calif. (Reuter) -- A man was being treated in a mental health facility Friday after running into the path of oncoming race horses.

I could just hear people clucking their tongues over that one and assuring themselves nothing like that could happen in their state.

That, my California compatriots, is where they’re wrong.

If you’re weary of Southerners, Easterners and Midwesterners smugly putting down Californians for their eccentricities, I’ve got some ammunition for your next long-distance phone call with them.

While they’ve been knocking us out here on the coast, here’s what they’ve been up to, gleaned from Associated Press files of the not-so-distant past:

Crown Point, Ind.--A man arrested for allegedly breaking into a woman’s house to tickle her feet has been ordered to undergo a psychological examination.

Roanoke Va.--A man is suing a palm reader for more than $3 million, claiming she sold him losing lottery numbers.

Camden N.J.--A woman didn’t wait for her abusive lover to get out of jail and beat her again. Instead, she and a friend bailed him out then shot him to death, police said.

Indianapolis--A man was convicted of strangling his girlfriend in a fight prosecutors said started when he refused to have sex with her because of her bad breath.

Now, that is nutty behavior. And, more importantly, none of it occurred within California borders.

Like me, I’m sure you derive no pleasure in seeing our fellow countrymen committing such deeds, but if we must resort to pettiness to defend ourselves, so be it.

In conclusion, my findings are as follows: In answer to the question, “Are there a lot of nuts in California?” my research indicates the answer is, “I’ll say there are.”

But when the follow-up question is asked, “Are people nutty in other states as well?” the answer is also a resounding, “Most definitely.”

All of which leads me to suggest that if we’re looking for a new national motto, how about, “We’ve all gone crazy lately.”?

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.