LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jay Leno, on more troubles for Sen. Bob Packwood: “He accidentally bit his tongue today, and now he’s been charged with tampering with the evidence.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on Gov. Pete using the Statue of Liberty as a backdrop for his presidential campaign kickoff: “Sources say he plans to use the Red Sea as a backdrop when he discloses California’s financial health.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Dodgers shunning former replacement player Mike Busch: “The 1950s had the blacklist. And now the ‘90s has the bluelist.”

Comedy writer Bruce Bellingham, on the death of speed-reading empress Evelyn Wood: “I’m sorry she died, but I’m happy that I was able to scan her obituary with about 85% comprehension.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on television viewers settling the Miss America swimsuit issue by voting during the show: “They’ll decide which looks better--saline or silicone.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “It was so hot Tuesday that the SPCA was almost forced to change the Dream Team’s status to warm-blooded.” (Halpern)

* “ ‘Internal Affairs,’ the 1990 thriller starring Richard Gere as a corrupt, brutal L.A. cop is being re-released. This time as a documentary.” (Peyser)

* “Call this episode ‘The Glove Boat’: The prosecution’s case is slowly sinking.” (Jenny Church)

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During a visit to New York, the Pope climbed into a limo and the driver asked if he needed anything. “Well, son, what I’d really like is to be able to drive myself for a change,” His Holiness said.

Intimidated by the Pope’s status, the driver said OK, but warned, “Please watch your speed through here, sir, this is a notorious speed trap.”

Unfortunately, lights were already flashing, so the Pope pulled over. When the trooper got to the car, he recognized the Pope in the driver’s seat and said, “Uh, just a minute, sir, I’ll be right back.”

The trooper went back to his car and radioed his supervisor: “Uh, I pulled somebody over for speeding who is pretty important.”

“You didn’t pull over the mayor, did you?” the supervisor asked.

“No sir, he’s bigger than the mayor.”

“It wasn’t the governor, was it?” his boss asked.

“No sir, he’s bigger than the governor.”

“Don’t tell me you pulled over the President,” the supervisor said.

“Sir, he’s bigger than the President.”

“My God, son, who did you pull over?” he asked.

“I’m not exactly sure, but the Pope is his driver!”

-- Gregg P. Griswold, San Pedro

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Irvine resident Kay Noble asked her son Kenny, 4, to help her with the grocery list. When she asked if he could think of what staples might be depleted, the boy thought for a moment, then said:

“Well, we’re all out of balloons . . . . “