LAUGH LINES : Punchlines


In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Gov. Pete’s campaign saying it wants to concentrate his money where it can be most effective: “Given Wilson’s odds, that would mean the lottery.”

Cutler, on Gen. Colin Powell telling Barbara Walters that he’s an abortion-rights supporter, pro gun control and against mandatory school prayer: “So much for his being handed the GOP nomination by acclamation.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on six members of the Nebraska football team being charged with different crimes, including one for attempted murder: “Cornhusker football players can graduate after two terms--one for assault and one for armed robbery.”


* Adds Cutler: “Went to last week’s Nebraska game. Fans were doing the crime wave.”

Jay Leno, on the private L.A. high school being renamed for junk bond felon Michael Milken after a $5-million donation: “It’s a four-year school, but with good behavior you can get out in two.”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Within minutes of the name change, the school launched a hostile takeover bid for a nearby temple.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a survey showing teen marijuana use climbing significantly: “The DEA became suspicious when it noticed new membership in Future Farmers of America had risen 77%.”

Comic Jenny Church, on an appeals court ruling that inmates can act as jailhouse lawyers: “But judges added that the state need not provide them with ambulances to chase around the exercise yard.”

Mills, on an Italian tabloid publishing a picture of Prince Charles in boxer shorts: “Most Londoners were shocked. They thought the royal family had switched to briefs following the Boxer Rebellion.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on General Mills digitally creating a new, more universal Betty Crocker: “It decided to go with multiple physical traits, as it’s hard to draw a woman who is unappreciated by her boss, has a 16-year-old daughter whose boyfriend is a twice-divorced father of three, and who wonders if breast implants will cure her husband’s mid-life crisis.”



Cirque du O.J.: “Passengers on ‘O.J.: The Cruise’ were issued the same style life jackets worn by the Dream Team since its case started sinking.” (Mills)

* “Johnnie Cochran made an appearance on the ship and, as usual, went overboard.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Judge Ito may authorize the court to assist one juror with severe financial problems. If he does, F. Lee Bailey plans to ask Ito for a little help with his local bar tabs.” (Peyser)

* “The Dream Team argued whether the gloves in the pictures are black or brown. So the shoes are a factor again. No one in Brentwood would wear gloves that didn’t match the shoes or he’d be noticed immediately.” (Hamilton)


When Winnetka reader Ann Johnston told daughter Tammy, 7, that her grandfather had died, she tried to make it more understandable by relating it to the death of the family dog. Tammy then asked:

“You mean you took grandpa to the vet and had him put to sleep too?