LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Sen. Bob Dole saying Republicans won’t compromise with Clinton on the budget: “Bob’s campaigning for President, which means the only thing he’s willing to compromise on is his beliefs.”

Jay Leno, on Gov. Pete sinking in the polls: “Wilson took a real hit. He’s now 3 1/2 points behind the Unabomber.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on multimillionaire publisher Malcolm Forbes Jr. seeking the GOP nomination for President: “He plans to espouse the views of the little guy--Ross Perot.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Ted Kennedy’s views of a third-party presidential candidate: “He said he would welcome a third party, but would also recommend taking a cab home.”

Leno, on Times Books publishing the Bob Packwood diaries: “In the audio version, they’ll use Packwood’s actual voice. In fact, they say it’s so realistic that you can almost feel his tongue sticking in your ear.”

* Adds Ray: “You can always tell a Packwood book. It has a jacket, just no pants.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the World Chess Championship: “Umpires were forced to delay the second game for 10 minutes when unruly fans tossed hot dog wrappers on the board. Extra security has been ordered for Monday night, when a record crowd of chess enthusiasts is expected for Free Pocket Protector Night.”

Cutler, on the French disc jockey who was fired for calling the death of a law enforcement officer “good news”: “Fired? Here, at the very least you get a recording contract with Time Warner.”

Comic Steve Tatham, on Honda manufacturing cars in India: “When the cars die, they are reborn as BMWs.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors were fined for arriving late to court Wednesday. Judge Ito should have given them some slack. Not everyone gets to show up for work wearing a robe.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “A grumbly Marcia Clark managed to turn a $250 sanction into a $1,000 sanction in just a matter of seconds. She must use the same broker as Hillary Clinton.” (Cutler)

* “A jail nurse admitted that he drew less of O.J.’s blood than he previously thought. But even that small amount was enough for the Dream Team to pick up the scent.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Laura Hart McKinny told Larry King that she doesn’t believe Mark Fuhrman planted the glove at O.J.’s home. She also realizes that 12 of her 15 minutes of fame have officially elapsed.” (Tony Peyser)

* “What’s the difference between NATO and Kato? One bombs from the air and one bombs on the air.” (Tatham)

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In answer to a question from grandson Matthew, 3, Huntington Beach reader Bette Balliet explained the meaning of the word traffic. After a few thoughtful moments, Matthew asked:

“Well, why is its last name ‘Jam’?”