Today on ‘Howard Copy’: An Exclusive!

We can’t ignore progress. There’s a powerful message in all of these proposed multimillion-dollar mergers--the latest involving Time Warner and Turner Broadcasting Systems Inc.--that promise to reshape the nation’s entertainment industry.

Bigger is better.

With that in mind, I’m pleased to announce this column’s merger with “Hard Copy.”

This is not an original idea. I swiped it from Art Buchwald. But unlike Buchwald, who mused in print only about the possibility of fusing with fellow humorist Russell Baker, I’m actually merging.

Why have I done it? For a cynical, self-serving reason--I can expand my audience by attaching myself in print to a widely watched syndicated television program.

*

Why has “Hard Copy” done it? It hasn’t, even though a merger gives it access to my formidable mind and vocabulary, just as I’m adopting its mind-set and aggressive way of doing things. The problem is that we’re not exactly on speaking terms. Thus, in contrast to what Buchwald was pondering, this is an unfriendly merger solely of my doing. Yet a merger, nonetheless.

From now on, think of this column as “Howard Copy.”

For example, today brings a “Howard Copy” exclusive revealing the secrets behind this week’s second episode of “Murder One,” Steven Bochco’s new ABC series about a bald criminal defense attorney with a young sweetie for a wife.

I really like Theodore Hoffman, the Sphinx-like attorney played by Daniel Benzali. But under his expensive business suits, could Hoffman be wearing black lace panties? There’s no evidence that he isn’t.

Having never seen nor heard of “Murder One,” an anonymous source could not vouch for Hoffman’s underwear one way or the other, a bad omen that leaves open this tantalizing mystery about the possible exotic behavior of a lawyer with an image of virility.

Oh, by the way, “Howard Copy” wonders if it’s just a coincidence that Hoffman’s nickname is Teddy, which is also the name of a woman’s one-piece undergarment that combines a chemise top with . . . panties !

As advertised, this week’s episode continued to probe the murder of a 15-year-old cutie named Jessica Costello, the fast-living sister of drop-dead gorgeous Julie Costello, a former hooker having an affair with Teddy’s married client, shady business tycoon Richard Cross. (Short for cross-dresser? “Howard Copy” wonders . . . )

After being charged with the murder, Cross was released when Beverly Nichols, a curvy sexpot with epic, heaving breasts, gave him an alibi, saying she and Cross were together at the time of the murder. Teddy appeared to be skeptical of the alibi, although it was hard to read his thoughts, making “Howard Copy” wonder if he was preoccupied. Was he daydreaming about lewd pictures that he may have hidden in his desk drawer?

Curiously, a confidential source who doesn’t watch TV could provide no documentation that Teddy’s mind wasn’t on smut, a devastating commentary on the state of television today.

Now charged with Jessica’s murder is party-boy actor Neil Avedon, who claimed he was innocent and was so upset by his terrible predicament that he bawled . . . like a sissy . “Howard Copy” has learned of no evidence that Avedon isn’t a sissy.

“I don’t want this case and everything in it to enter this house,” Teddy told his wife. Could the reason be, “Howard Copy” wonders, that he fears his wife is a closet lesbian who would be attracted to Julie Costello? Careful viewers of “Murder One” may have noticed that nowhere did the script document Teddy’s wife not being gay. Or that Teddy and Cross were not holding hands while riding in the back seat of a limo. Or that prosecutor Miriam Grasso, who seems a bit spacey at times, has never claimed to have had conversations with travelers from other planets.

Meanwhile, Teddy’s young associate, Justine Appleton--a real dish who reportedly wears no clothes while showering--earned acquittal for the falsely accused boyfriend of the law office’s receptionist, a sexy looker with the kind of fiery temperament to make things interesting in bed. And the kind of legs that would turn on Teddy’s other fetching female associate, Lisa Gillespie . . . if Lisa were so inclined. Who’s to say she isn’t? A confidential source, who is unaware of “Murder One,” could not confirm Lisa’s heterosexuality.

“Howard Copy” also is curious about Teddy’s nemesis, Arthur Polson, the driven cop who was furious about the release of Cross. So furious that he took out his frustrations on his wife, beating her to a pulp? Curiously, Polson’s wife has not surfaced, making “Howard Copy” wonder if “Murder One” is worried that bruises tell tales.

Yes, there is lots to worry about, something Ted Turner will learn if his company’s merger goes through with Time Warner. Ted Turner. Hmmm. Short for . . . teddy ?