LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on President Clinton considering a White House conference on race relations: "Delegates selected so far include A.J. Foyt, Bonnie Blair and Greg LeMond."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Clinton granting a visa to Fidel Castro, saying it will lay the groundwork for democracy on the island: "You have to laugh along with Fidel. He's now heard nine U.S. Presidents announce plans for a post-Castro Cuba."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Ross Perot gathering only 10,000 of the 89,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the California ballot: "And half of those Californians thought they were signing up for an est seminar."

Burton Bach, on the delay in launching the space shuttle Columbia: "NASA officials are renaming it the 'Civil Servant,' because it doesn't work and you can't fire it."

Comic Jenny Church, on Gov. Pete saying he would decline the vice presidential nomination if offered: "Wilson says he doesn't want to spend four years doing nothing in Washington, until he finishes doing nothing in California."

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on Gov. Pete signing a new law that enables cops to arrest people for just standing around and doing nothing: "Among the first arrests expected are several members of the L.A. County Board of Supervisors."

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the Jacoby & Meyers split: "It looks like it will be a bitter divorce, with a fierce custody battle over the &."

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on O.J.'s golf outing: "After hooking four drives, he complained that his glove didn't fit."

* Adds Hamilton: "O.J. had to continually reassure his playing partners that he would not, could not and did not tee his ball up in the rough."

Bob DeVinney, on Kermit the Frog as Rose Parade grand marshal: "The highlight will come when Queen Keli Hutchins kisses him, turning him into the artist formerly known as Prince."


Reach for the sky, podna' . . . Wells Fargo attempts to take over First Interstate Bank:

* "It's a hostile takeover, which means that it will be handled by tellers and loan officers." (Church)

* "If the deal goes through, thousands of jobs and dozens of stagecoaches will be lost." (Tony Peyser)

* "In a touching display of corporate compassion, Wells Fargo announced that employees will be given the choice whether they are furloughed, downsized, laid off or simply let go." (Paul Ecker)

* "It's not as bad as it seems. Wells Fargo will retrain laid-off First Interstate employees to either work as blacksmiths or ride shotgun." (Kenny Noble)


Walnut reader Marti Alpert recently heard daughter Sara plunking out the national anthem on the piano, and was pleased the 14-year-old seemed to be feeling patriotic. Suddenly, with great enthusiasm, Sara proudly announced:

"Hey, I just played the Dodgers' theme song."

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