LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on the President defending his ’93 tax package, then telling rich contributors that he raised their taxes too much: “Anybody who backpedals as much as Bill Clinton should be an NFL cornerback.”

* Adds Cutler: “Clinton now agrees with the GOP that the budget can be balanced in seven years. Or, halfway through Colin Powell’s second term.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on chiropractors losing some badly needed concessions in the final Medicare bill: “That’s because House members don’t go to chiropractors. You need a spine for their services.”

Charlie Reinke, on Friday’s opening of the movie “Get Shorty”: “Great. Now there’s something else that’ll add to Ross Perot’s paranoia.”

Hamilton, on callers flooding radio talk shows about the “Million Man March”: “Not all hosts have a clue about the movement. Kato Kaelin told listeners that Louis Farrakhan is the greatest black leader since Malcolm the Tenth.”

* Adds Jack Missett: “Farrakhan says he’s positive there were more than a million people at the march, because he had Don King count the house.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the crook who was caught after robbing the same Radio Shack three times: “He had to keep trying until he found something that worked.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on alligators roaming the streets in south Florida after record rains: “The gators were being shot on sight unless they could produce valid Bar Assn. membership cards.”

Keith Scheuer, on the lawsuit to break up the Jacoby & Meyers law firm: “The litigation is really going to get ugly when they start fighting over who gets custody of the firm’s remoras.”

* Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Experts predict the suit will set a legal precedent. It’ll be the first time someone from that firm actually won a case.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Johnson & Johnson spending $1.6 billion to enter the business of unclogging arteries: “Let’s hope they take a look at the East L.A. interchange.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Woody Allen’s scheduled appearance Friday night on the “Late Show With David Letterman”: “It’s just too bad the show had to air after Soon-Yi’s bedtime.”

Cutler, on Yankee General Manager Gene Michaels stepping down after refusing to take a $200,000 pay cut: “George Steinbrenner says the money was needed to pay the team’s retainer fee at Betty Ford.”

Hamilton, on a medical breakthrough: “Researchers have discovered a cure for arthritis. It’s 16 months in the L.A. County Jail.”

*

Reader Jim Buck of Tustin had his three children safely loaded in the car when he turned on the ignition key. The car sputtered, jerked ahead, made an odd noise and jerked ahead again for another few feet. From the back seat, 4-year-old Kelly asked:

“Daddy, is the car going to throw up?”