LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Pilot Bob must be crushed . . . People magazine claims Marcia Clark and Chris Darden will marry:

* “Gee, go through a guy’s briefs a few times and people think you’re an item.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Imagine Darden getting down on one knee, trying to put the ring on her finger and realizing it is too small.” (Jay Leno)

* “They’d have been married already, but they haven’t been able to find a reliable witness.” (Leno)


* “She will wear white, claiming that he hasn’t so much as planted a glove on her.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “I hope they don’t pick Judge Ito to do the ceremony. . . . He will limit them to one conjugal visit a week.” (Leno)


But was it doing the backstroke? . . . A man claims that he found a frog inside his El Torito taco:

* “The customer was hopping mad.” (Jerry Gilbert)

* “He knew it was a frog when he started to croak.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The good news is that all the flies around his plate were gone.” (Tyler Horn)

* “When the waiter told the chef to put something green in the taco, he meant guacamole.” (Ecker)

* “El Torito already has a name for the new dish: toadstada.” (Kenny Noble)


In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on Cleveland’s pro football team moving to Baltimore: “The owner originally wanted to move here. Unfortunately, the name ‘Los Angeles Browns’ was already copyrighted by the Air Quality Management District.”

David Feldman, on the difference between the two major political parties: “Democrats remind us that life is unfair. Republicans make sure that it is.”

Dennis Miller, on GOP presidential candidate Pat Buchanan: “He is so homophobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.”

Jenny Church, on Rush Limbaugh’s new venture, mail-order ties: “So Rush can tie his own tie. Too bad he can’t button his lip.”

Joe Kevany, on The Newt saying that three-quarters of letters to the editor are from liberals: “And that’s a conservative estimate.”

Argus Hamilton, on no Democrats asking for President Clinton’s campaign help for Tuesday’s elections: “He said he is too busy anyway. Every hour or so, Hillary will look over his shoulder and tell him, ‘Red jack on black queen.’ ”

Jerry Perisho, on Controller Kathleen Connell auditing the state prison system: “She’s disputing the accounting. Wardens think if you have a $25 debt, you should only have to pay $8, with good behavior.”


L.A. reader Trina Jones says her sister likes to ask Jones’ nephew Keenen, 4, the names of relatives who are around him frequently to help the names stick in his mind. While in the car on Halloween, Keenen identified all relatives correctly until he was asked to name Jones’ fiance, his soon-to-be uncle.

Keenen paused, then said, “Uncle Fester?”