From the Friendly Skies, a Career Challenge for PR Flacks

If you’re thinking of a career in public relations, I’ve come upon the supreme job challenge. In fact, I was so intrigued I began wondering what kind of PR man I’d make.

The prompt was a wire service story involving the 58-year-old president of an investment banking company, recently slapped with a criminal complaint after flying on United Airlines from Buenos Aires to New York. Here are details from the complaint filed in federal court in Brooklyn, as reported by Reuter:

* The man, identified in the complaint as Gerard Finneran of Greenwich, Conn., began drinking before the flight departed and continued while en route.

* The crew initially served him, but Finneran eventually got up and began serving himself.

* Crew members told him to stop. When a male steward refused Finneran’s order to serve him more drinks, Finneran threatened to “bust your ass.”

* Meanwhile, another flight attendant had gotten a first-aid kit from the cockpit to help a sick passenger. Finneran allegedly delayed the attendant from helping the passenger.

* At another point during the flight, Finneran allegedly grabbed a female flight attendant and placed both hands on her chest, causing her to fall into a seat.

* A crew member later reported seeing Finneran “with his pants and underwear down, defecating on a service cart used by the flight crew.”

* Finneran then used linen napkins as toilet paper and wiped his hands on “various service counters and service implements used by the crew,” according to the complaint.

* The pilot suspended all food and beverage service for the remaining four hours of flight time, fearful of possible contamination.

Now, you say you want to go into public relations? OK, then, imagine yourself reading a statement to the assembled media on Mr. Finneran’s behalf. His only instruction to you: “Don’t make me look bad.”

I don’t know if I’m cut out for PR or not, but here goes:

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’ll read a short statement from Mr. Finneran, but because litigation is pending, I won’t be able to take any follow-up questions.

“Mr. Finneran deeply regrets the series of misunderstandings that occurred during his recent flight home from Buenos Aires, a trip in which he inspected sites for an orphanage he plans to build with his own funds.

“Mr. Finneran began drinking shortly before the flight departed, partly to ease the suffering from recent family misfortunes, which he would rather not identify at this time. After the first few drinks, Mr. Finneran began feeling guilty for bothering the crew, so, to be helpful, he began serving himself. He is a Type A personality, having netted his firm some $300 million in the last six years, and he simply applied his ‘can-do’ business philosophy to in-flight beverage service. When the crew asked him not to, he thought they were simply trying to be polite, and he insisted on not being a burden to them.

“About that time, a flight attendant began quizzing Mr. Finneran about his business success. When Mr. Finneran was asked if he had a specific philosophy, he replied, ‘Bust your ass.’ Mr. Finneran apologizes for any misinterpretation that may have resulted from that phraseology.

“Mr. Finneran remembers needing to use the restroom facilities. He stood up, but lost his balance when the plane dipped. He’s had an equilibrium problem ever since his bunker was shelled for 18 straight days in Vietnam, and he fell toward a female flight attendant. Instinctively, he tried to brace his fall but, unfortunately, he caused her to fall onto a seat across the aisle. Again, Mr. Finneran apologizes for any misimpression that may have caused.

“Lastly, and you can appreciate the awkwardness of this, Mr. Finneran has long suffered from, shall we say, a control problem over certain bodily functions. When he discovered that the lavatory was occupied, he panicked, much as any of us might. Mr. Finneran did what came naturally and then attempted to cover his embarrassment by grabbing for the first cloth he could find. Mr. Finneran asks forbearance for that unseemly situation and especially for any resultant loss of appetite among passengers and crew.

“Mr. Finneran, who is now home with his family and fresh litter of puppies, asked me to convey to you his chagrin about all of this. While he knows in his heart he has done nothing wrong, he hopes that you in the media won’t be quick to judge. And he trusts that you’ll pursue the orphanage story just as vigorously as you have this unfortunate incident.”