‘Tis the Season : The Gift That Keeps On Giving

“All I wanted,” said a friend of mine, looking up from a local magazine that shall remain nameless as it wasn’t this one, “was to find the ultimate West Coast Christmas present. But going by these ads,” she added, shaking the unfortunate publication, “the only thing you people buy, sell, swap or barter are restaurant reservations, 900 numbers and a frightening variety of cosmetic implants. What does that say to you about the L.A. consumer?”

Momentarily taken aback, I raised my chin and looked away, in a slightly pained and dismissive manner that I hoped conjured Mary Queen of Scots--wrongly maligned, too noble to acknowledge it. But since my friend is from New York, the subtlety was lost, so I was forced into a more vigorous defense of my chosen city. Grabbing the revered publication of her isle empire, I reeled off the ultimate East Coast Christmas list, courtesy of the ads in the New Yorker:

* A Panoply of Pins . Watering cans, golf clubs, geese in flight (“they mate for life”), cats and bats, hearts and flowers. If it is a form or substance with weight, shape and mass, you will find it re-created in sterling or 14K. Ideal for elderly aunts, former science teachers and other women who own hats.

* Red Diaper Dreams --”Adventure Cuba,” a seven-day, monthly cigar-smoking adventure that is (and this is really important) “fully legal.”

* The Big Bang . NRA lobbyist, Gettysburg groupie or just your average bearer of arms will be delighted to find a genuine Carbide Cannon under the tree. Home-security system or distinctive lawn ornament? Available in three sizes. Just remember: “the larger the cannon, the larger the bang.”

* John Mitchell Was an Ornithologist . . . For the bored bird watcher in your life, Wing Song, a feeder system with sound monitor that brings “the sound of wild songbirds right into your home--live.” That’s right, a bugged bird feeder. Who knows what they’ve been saying behind your back all these years?

* New, from Haversham Originals . . . For your favorite shut-in, the Dawn/Dusk Simulator. Attaches to any lamp and enables “your bedroom lighting to perfectly simulate the onset of sunrise and sunset.” No need for those pesky windows now.

* Woolmania. Cashmere watch caps, “plump” duvets, capes and sweaters, it does get cold back East. But for those who still yearn to seize the means of production, or who have always had a thing for sheep, there’s Adopt-An-Ewe. For only $100, “she will give you a queen-size wool blanket, a photo of her and her baby and a certificate of adoption.”

“Y’know,” said my friend, interrupting my tirade, “now that you mention it, a gift certificate for liposuction is the perfect stocking stuffer. . . .”