THE NFL/ BILL PLASCHKE : Does Pro Bowl Have Best? Does Cleveland Have Browns?

It’s a dog game. In the case of Dallas Cowboy Coach Barry Switzer last season, a hot dog game, since he was seen eating one on the sideline.

The electoral procedure stinks. Votes from players, coaches and fans each count one-third, a swell-sounding idea, except players vote for their buddies and the average fan doesn’t know a blocking tackle from a block and tackle.

So why waste time discussing the Pro Bowl?

Because it is the NFL’s only public report card. It is the only validation of observations that have been tossed around barrooms and conference rooms since August.

“See?” one fan says to another on the morning after the announcement. “I told you Joe-Bob Schmoe was having a better year than Do-Rag Doe.”

In professional basketball and baseball, fans can do this every night. Because football is played under a helmet, it happens only once a year. And that’s it.

Or were you among the distressed millions who missed that televised Pro Bowl program on cable Thursday?

During that show, we were tabulating our own all-pro team with the help of league personnel men and coaches--the only two groups who watch enough film to vote on this stuff.

Writers, incidentally, are the biggest electoral stiffs of all. We spot line stunts as often as UFOs. Give writers the vote, and the starting lineup will generally include somebody named Marriott.

Our advice is to cancel the Pro Bowl game because nobody outside of Honolulu either cares or watches.

Use the personnel men and coaches to pick not two teams, but one.

Then announce the winners at a nationally televised February banquet. By giving viewers a chance to see their heroes without helmets, the ratings would be tremendous. Why do you think people watch those silly quarterback challenges in the middle of summer, anyway?

Until then . . . presenting the combined NFC and AFC starting Pro Bowl teams. And the real all-stars:

OFFENSE

* QUARTERBACK

Pro Bowl starters: Dan Marino, Miami Dolphins; Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers.

Best: Favre. There can be no argument about the league’s most inspirational and improvisational player.

* RUNNING BACKS

Starters: Chris Warren, Seattle Seahawks, and Marshall Faulk, Indianapolis Colts; Emmitt Smith, Cowboys and Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions.

Best: Smith and Sanders. Nobody is close. Still.

* WIDE RECEIVERS

Starters: Carl Pickens, Cincinnati Bengals, and Tim Brown, Oakland Raiders; Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers, and Herman Moore, Lions.

Best: Moore and Michael Irvin, Cowboys. Until he stubbed his toe against the Washington Redskins last week, Irvin was having an MVP-type season, making consistently brilliant catches while pushing teammates to the brink.

* TIGHT END

Starters: Ben Coates, New England Patriots; Jay Novacek, Cowboys

Best: Mark Chmura, Packers. Perfectly suited to Favre’s scattershot style, Chmura’s resume now contains more big plays than his name has consonants.

* TACKLES

Starters: Richmond Webb, Dolphins, and Bruce Armstrong, Patriots; William Roaf, New Orleans Saints, and Lomas Brown, Lions.

Best: Andy Heck, Chicago Bears, and Gary Zimmerman, Denver Broncos. Heck hasn’t allowed a defender to lay a hand on quarterback Erik Kramer, and Zimmerman is the foundation of the league’s top-ranked offense.

* GUARDS

Starters: Bruce Matthews, Houston Oilers, and Keith Sims, Dolphins; Nate Newton, Cowboys, and Randall McDaniel, Minnesota Vikings

Best: Newton and Dave Szott, Kansas City Chiefs. There are reasons that Chief quarterbacks have been sacked a league-low 14 times and the Kansas City running game is ranked fourth. Szott is a sizable one.

* CENTER

Starters: Dermontti Dawson, Pittsburgh Steelers; Kevin Glover, Detroit Lions.

Best: Glover, who inexplicably is making his first Hawaiian appearance. Apparently the league truly believes Sanders is superhuman.

DEFENSE

* SAFETIES

Starters: Carnell Lake, Steelers, and Steve Atwater, Broncos; Darren Woodson, Cowboys, and Merton Hanks, 49ers.

Best: Hanks and Blaine Bishop of the Oilers. Lake is now a cornerback, Atwater is overrated, and Woodson has faded lately. Who is Bishop? Only the most fearless player on the league’s most fearless defense.

* CORNERBACKS

Starters: Dale Carter, Chiefs, and Terry McDaniel, Raiders; Aeneas Williams, Arizona Cardinals, and Eric Davis, San Francisco 49ers.

Best: Davis and Carter. They are Deion Sanders without the dance. By the way, where is the neon one?

* OUTSIDE LINEBACKERS

Starters: Bryce Paup, Buffalo Bills, and Greg Lloyd, Steelers; Ken Harvey, Washington Redskins, and Lee Woodall, 49ers.

Best: Paup and William Thomas, Philadelphia Eagles. Thomas has more interceptions (five) than all but two cornerbacks while serving as the emotional leader of the league’s third-ranked defense.

* INSIDE LINEBACKER

Starters: Junior Seau, San Diego Chargers; Jessie Tuggle, Atlanta Falcons.

Best: Levon Kirkland, Steelers. Seau survives on image, and Tuggle on reputation, but Kirkland is the best run-stopping linebacker in the league.

* ENDS

Starters: Bruce Smith, Bills, and Neil Smith, Chiefs; Reggie White, Packers, and Charles Haley, Cowboys.

Best: The Smiths, who could get together in the playoffs for a precedent-setting game of kill the quarterback.

* TACKLES

Starters: Chester McGlockton, Raiders, and Dan Saleaumua, Chiefs; John Randle, Vikings, and Eric Swann, Cardinals.

Best: Saleaumua and Shawn Lee, Chargers. Two reasons the AFC West is football’s toughest division. On a team without Seau, the never-quit Lee would be a superstar.

OTHERS

* KICKER

Starters: Jason Elam, Broncos, and Morten Andersen, Falcons.

Best: Norm Johnson, Steelers. The league’s leading scorer has outkicked the other guys with fewer indoor games.

* PUNTER

Starters: Darren Bennett, Chargers, and Jeff Feagles, Cardinals.

Best: Louis Aguiar, Chiefs. Real men pin the ball inside the 20-yard line, something Aguiar has done a league-leading 26 times.

* KICK RETURNERS AND GUYS LIKE THAT

Starters: Glyn Milburn, Broncos, and Steve Tasker, Bills; Brian Mitchell, Redskins and Elbert Shelley, Falcons.

Best: Really now. Any nut will do.

ONE-, TWO- AND THREE-LINERS

--Enough with the letters and phone calls. We know that the Steeler-Cleveland Brown rivalry is the best ever because we drove between the two towns in a snowstorm last January to document its craziness. We would have ranked it first but for one small matter: The Cleveland Browns no longer exist.

--The Newport Beach concussion conference that caused such a stir last year will be followed by a player-safety conference in February, again sponsored by the law firm of Steinberg and Moorad. Head injuries last time around, artificial turf next.

--Clarifying an earlier story about the playoff chase, the Bills need to defeat the Dolphins on Sunday to ensure a playoff spot. If they lose and then defeat the Houston Oilers in the finale, they could still get shut out in a tie with Dolphins, who would have swept them, or Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts, who win a three-way tie.

--In an act typical of football’s best organization, the 49ers recently voted William Floyd as the winner of the Len Eshmont Award for “inspirational and courageous” play. This is notable because Floyd hasn’t played a down since suffering a season-ending knee injury on Oct. 29. The award was essentially for a letter he wrote to them, inspiring them to throttle the Cowboys.

--Not that Brown Coach Bill Belichick is losing it, but one week he called a timeout with one second remaining to kick a field goal in a 31-13 loss to the Chargers, then the next he engaged in a sideline shouting match with mild-mannered Viking receiver Cris Carter.

“He used words that I didn’t agree with--words that I wouldn’t use around another human being,” Carter said.

The day after their encounter, which was captured on national television, Belichick denied it had occurred.

--The word on the league’s streets is that the Chicago Bears have finally buckled under the tough regime of Dave Wannstedt. Opponents say Bear players are quitting late in games because there is nobody in their huddle to lead them. By design, everything on that team revolves around the coaches, who are bright but need to let up on the pressure before even they are squashed.

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QUICK KICKS

SEZ HE: Bruce Kozerski, Cincinnati Bengal guard sidelined because of a broken ankle, on attending what could be the final NFL game in Cleveland Stadium on Sunday:

“You have to be worried about . . . getting off the field in one piece. They’ll find a way to get shovels and wrenches and take seats out all over the place. If I don’t go, the reason is my mobility’s not so good. I swing a mean crutch, but it’s not loaded with shotgun shells.”

*

AND HE: Marv Levy, Buffalo coach, when asked about the weather in snowy Buffalo for this weekend’s showdown with the Miami Dolphins:

“It’s bitter cold with high winds and frigid arctic blasts. But it’s not supposed to last. The weather is supposed to turn bad.”

*

AND HE: Boomer Esiason, New York Jet quarterback, on their final two games:

“You’ve just got to say, ‘What the hell,’ and hope this season gets over with as fast as possible.”

*

DIFFERENT STROKES: When the Dallas Cowboys’ Emmitt Smith scores two more touchdowns, breaking John Riggins’ record of 24 in one season, it isn’t as though he will be replacing Jim Brown or Walter Payton.

Only four of Riggins’ 24 scores for the Washington Redskins, all of which were on runs, were from farther out than two yards.

Seven of Smith’s first 23 touchdowns were scored on runs of 10 yards or longer.