You’d Hate to See Fan’s Case Become Another Snow Job

Downey’s California:

--There are several ways that Jeffrey Lange, 26, who was arrested Wednesday for throwing a snowball during the New York Giants’ game against the San Diego Chargers, can beat the charges:

1. All his lawyer has to do is find one person on that jury who has ever thrown a snowball. No way that juror will vote to convict.

2. Try on the mittens that the cops took into evidence. They had snow all over them. But if they don’t fit, you must acquit.

3. Tell the judge that the San Diego Chargers verbally abused you. Turn this case’s focus on the victims. Works every time.

4. Testify that you are thinking about becoming a New York Jet season-ticket holder. There you go. Innocent by reason of insanity.

5. Serve the maximum six months in jail. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. But do not--repeat, do not--throw a snowball at that really big dude in Cellblock B.

--Pittsburgh Steeler fans want Cleveland fans to stay the hell away from their football team. Ah, the spirit of Christmas.

--Jean-Claude Van Damme in the movie “Sudden Death” should be penalized two minutes for hamming.

--Charlton Heston parted the waters for Northwestern’s players on their visit to Universal Studios the other day. I don’t want to say USC’s Trojans are unhappy about Heston’s taking sides, but he had better put the Club on his chariot.

--In response to many inquiries, Nebraska’s game against Florida at the Fiesta Bowl will not count toward its community service work.

--Gators 28, Cornvicts 27.

--The toddler son of Colorado Coach Rick Neuheisel can name the starting quarterback of every NFL team. ESPN is thinking of hiring the kid, as soon as he can call each of them by a stupid nickname.

--Next guy on TV who does an impersonation of Marv Albert, you have my permission to throw a lamp through the picture tube.

--Don’t you hate it at Atlanta Falcon games when fans dress up like giant falcons and sit there doing that falcon flap?

--Here’s my favorite line from the late, great Dean Martin: “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”

--Dick Motta got his 900th victory. If he continues coaching Dallas, he should pass that magic 1,000 mark shortly before Kirk and Spock take the Enterprise up to re-fuel.

--Jaromir Jagr is the NHL’s plajer of the jear.

--Second baseman Roberto Alomar and relief pitcher Randy Myers are leaving their current teams for Baltimore, where in their fantasies they hope to find fans who neither stalk nor attack them.

--Boubacar Aw is a basketball player for Georgetown. I absolutely cannot believe this. That was my father’s name.

--For former San Diego State star Marshall Faulk, today’s AFC playoff game between his Indianapolis Colts and the San Diego Chargers should bring back many memories for Marshall of the incredibly ugly uniform he was forced to wear for San Diego State.

--Northwestern’s float in the Rose Parade will be a gigantic journalism major, made of Kleenex.

--At halftime, Northwestern grad Mike Adamle will let four women from his “American Gladiators” television show take turns carrying USC’s horse.

--For those planning to watch the Outback Bowl on television, ESPN’s comprehensive coverage will begin Monday at 8 a.m., immediately following . . . oh, please . . . I’m sorry, I knew I couldn’t write this with a straight face . . . watch the Outback Bowl! That’s a hot one . . . OK, OK, I promise to be more serious tomorrow.