LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

Material witness: When Madonna took the stand to testify against the man accused of stalking her . . .

* “To avoid publicity, the singer went to the courtroom incognito: She wore clothes.” (Alan Ray)

* “Hesitant to appear, Madonna agreed only after the judge promised he’d place her in handcuffs and a muzzle.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “She refused to be sworn in but did offer to play a quick game of Truth or Dare.” (Kathy Peyser)

* “The defendant continues to insist that he snuck into Madonna’s house only to see what she looked like with her clothes on.” (Bob Mills)

* “Not taking any chances, the defense hired David Letterman to handle the cross-examination.” (Mills)

* “She told the court that being in the same room with the guy made her physically ill. Damn! I wanted to be responsible for her morning sickness.” (Douglas Mortenson)

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Also in the news . . . Victoria’s Secret is being sued because they offered a bigger discount to men than to women. Mortenson says the lingerie company disputes the charge, saying it isn’t the size of the discount--it’s how you use it.

The government shutdown continues. Ray says protesting federal workers are astonishing people with their obscene gestures. “It’s so rare to see a civil servant lift a finger.”

The Postal Service’s newest celebrity stamp features James Dean. Perfect timing, says Argus Hamilton: “The government ended the speed limit just last week.”

* Adds Mills, “It shouldn’t be confused with the Jimmy Dean stamp, whose glue tastes like pork sausage.”

Hillary Clinton’s new book is called “It Takes a Village.” Mortenson says it’s about the difficulties of finding someone else to raise your kid.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest says fat substitutes are worse for you than the fat they replace. Makes sense, says Hamilton. “That explains why ratings go down when Bob Dornan sits in for Rush Limbaugh.”

Mills swears he spotted these glaring errors in Oliver Stone’s “Nixon”:

* When Nixon resigns, he’s replaced by Harrison Ford, not Gerry.

* White House plumbers charge only $65 an hour.

* Martha Mitchell is constantly referred to as Martha Stewart.

Talk shows “Gabrielle,” “Charles Perez,” “The Stephanie Miller Show” and “Danny” have all been given the ax. Tony Peyser predicts the former hosts will all appear on an upcoming “Rikki Lake” show called “Canceled Talk Show Hosts Who Appear on Talk Shows With Hosts Whose Talk Shows Haven’t Been Canceled.”

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During Red Ribbon Week, reader Carol Arciniega of West Covina was talking with daughters Rachel, 7, and Alyssa, 6, about substance abuse. When they asked about tobacco, Mom explained how it could harm their bodies. Then Rachel asked:

“Does that mean we shouldn’t use tobacco sauce?”