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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Video pick of the week: “O.J. Simpson: The Interview” goes on sale today:

* “Not to be confused with the movie ‘Cutthroat Island.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “I hear the video comes with a rebate if you buy O.J.'s story.” (Paul Ecker)

* “We have an infomercial for the Thighmaster, so why not the Lie Master?” (Jenny Church)

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* “The good news for O.J. is he’ll make a lot of money from the video. The bad news? Blockbuster is filing it in the comedy section.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Also in the news: A federal survey shows that California leads the nation in illiteracy. No way, says Argus Hamilton: “Most of our parents were married.”

Atty. Gen. Janet Reno has taken up roller-blading and says she may get even more adventurous and try sea kayaking. Says Jimmy McConnell, “Next she’ll really go nuts and visit Detroit.”

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Baseball star Ricky Henderson is in trouble with the IRS over autograph income. Says Buddy Baron, “He wouldn’t even sign the subpoena until they gave him 50 bucks.”

Hawaiian Airlines is reportedly considering filing for bankruptcy. Says Church, “Could mean massive lei-offs.”

Buffalo Bills football coach Marv Levy announced that he is 70, not 67 as he had been saying. Hamilton says, “Barry Switzer called and told him not to feel bad--everybody knows those IQ tests are not reliable.”

The embarrassments continue for Bob Packwood, says Kaseberg. “He works alone now so he gets a little lonely and, well, now he’s suing himself for sexual harassment.”

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Doctors say it is inappropriate to use the phrase vegetative state to describe patients who remain unconscious for more than a year. However, says Paul Steinberg, “It is appropriate to use that phrase to describe men who watch nothing but TV football for two months.”

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St-still sh-shivering: Another snowstorm is headed for the East Coast:

* “It’s so cold, people are suing McDonald’s because they broke their teeth drinking the coffee.” (Charlie Reinke)

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* “You can tell it’s cold in Washington. For once, congressmen are putting their hands in their own pockets.” (Alan Ray)

* Armed men stole a snow blower from a Bronx apartment superintendent. “It’s nice to see New York getting back to normal.” (Cutler)

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At a recent family gathering, reader Judy Kadish of Santa Monica was chatting in the kitchen when she declined an invitation for a future party, “because Mitch is going to Seattle that weekend.” Overhearing, her 3-year-old daughter, Jamie, tugged at her mother’s skirt and asked curiously:

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“Mommy, who’s ‘Attle’?”


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