This One Is Tough to Figure

Having viewed the U.S. Figure Skating Championships last weekend on television, I jotted down a few observations. Surprisingly, it was not on CBS. Figure skating, you may remember, is one of the two sports CBS now televises, along with Old People’s Golf.

Figure skating is very popular. Its TV ratings are high, as ABC found out. Personally, I think ABC should televise figure skating 24 hours a day, including Peter Jennings doing the evening news on ice. In snug pants. With rhinestones.

Last week’s event was heavily promoted, with a photograph of women’s favorites Michelle Kwan of California and Nicole Bobek of Chicago, standing back-to-back in hip outfits, looking like an advertisement for “Lillehammer 90210.”

Kwan was the winner. She skated splendidly, behaved maturely and gave us a U.S. champion who won’t make the front page of the National Enquirer. I doubt if Michelle even smokes or drives a pickup truck. Probably wouldn’t think Walt Disney World is corny, either. Heck, Michelle is only 15. She still gets in for half-price.

Bobek was hurt. No, nobody whacked her on the knee. Figure skating has become a kinder, gentler sport, with surprisingly few goons. The rough element has been weeded out. Bobek is no angel, but she is no Tonya Harding. If she were, she would be playing for the Blackhawks.

At 18, Bobek has an obvious problem. The woman is getting old. Another year or two, she’s over the hill. That’s why she needs to win now. Before you know it, she will be 19, then (gasp) 20. After that, what is there? Lecture tour, write a book, raise the grandkids.

I felt for Nicole, having to withdraw from the U.S. championships in mid-competition because of a hurt ankle. This permitted Tonia Kwiatkowski, who should change her name immediately and I don’t mean the Kwiatkowski, to finish in second place, even though she is 24 years old and has experienced things all the way back to the seventies.

Bobek was in third place before being unable to continue. Finishing third instead was Tara Lipinski, 13, of Bloomfield Hills, Mich., who undoubtedly celebrated with a wild party at Chuck E. Cheese.

I like figure skating. I like any sport in which a parent picks up the athletes after practice and drops them off at a theater showing “Toy Story.” How I wish there were more 13-year-olds in the Super Bowl, rather than so many men who act that age.

One of my fears going into this year’s U.S. championships was that Peggy Fleming would continue her comeback there. I don’t know if you have heard, but Fleming has begun skating in ice shows again. Which is great, seeing as how Peggy has shoelaces older than Tara Lipinski.

I had this image of Peggy Fleming taking part in the U.S. championships, skating to music by Mozart. After which, the younger skaters would come up to Peggy and ask: “His music is great! Did you know him?”

Last time I spoke with Fleming, we were in Calgary for the 1988 Winter Olympics and about to watch Katarina Witt and Debi Thomas skate their Dueling Carmens. Each skater chose the same opera, “Carmen,” which, when originally written, the composer surely envisioned as Great Music to Skate To.

You know, you haven’t really skated until you’ve skated to opera. I saw a woman do a triple axel to Verdi once, man, now that’s skatin’. Most of the great Italian composers wrote delightful 4 1/2-minute passages, perfect for spinning. I think Salieri’s principal complaint about Mozart was that women really couldn’t skate to him.

Before the nationals, Bobek had requested a free pass into the upcoming World Championships because of her injury. I don’t know if she brought a note from her mother, or what. I do know that the mean old U.S. Figure Skating Assn. said, “No way,” showing no compassion for Bobek’s boo-boo because she had just gotten $90,000 for skating “Nutcracker on Ice” on a 16-city tour (replacing, if I’m not mistaken, Glenn Close).

Figure skating honcho Morry Stillwell said he couldn’t grant Bobek an exemption, but thanks for coming and here are some nice parting gifts. His hands were tied, same way they would have been had he discovered that Michelle Kwan had just done a 16-city tour of “Flintstones on Ice,” in the much-coveted role of Wilma.

Rudy Galindo, by most accounts a nice fellow, won the men’s division. Rudy wore an all-black outfit and a goatee, and is expected to land the starring role in next summer’s “Jack McDowell on Ice.”

All in all, it was a great event. I probably will watch figure skating Sunday instead of the Super Bowl, because with figure skating, you don’t already know who’s going to win.