Punchlines

In the news: GOP candidate Richard Lugar says his favorite movie is “Apollo 13.” Says Paul Steinberg, “Given the way his campaign is going, you can see why he’d be attracted to disaster movies.”

Evangelical Christians are campaigning to keep the Republicans from gutting the Endangered Species Act, which they equate with a modern-day sinking of Noah’s ark. Says Jenny Church, “According to Congressional Budget Office figures, that could take 40 days and $40 trillion.”

Doctors surveyed in Oregon favor assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. Says Dave Kaye, “Asked why, one doctor admitted it’s the only thing actually covered by the patients’ HMOs.”

Scientists say they’ve found a way to detect tooth cavities by passing an electric current from your mouth all the way down your arm. Says Alex Pearlstein, “The process is actually pretty simple. If the current ends at a box of Twinkies, you probably have a cavity.”

A nanny on Long Island was fired after drinking all of her employers’ liquor on her first day on the job. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “The parents knew there was a problem when they got home and found the baby changing the nanny’s diaper and tucking her in.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “She claims she misunderstood when they told her a bottle should be taken every three hours.”

Magic Johnson almost had a triple-double in his comeback game. Jerry Perisho says Dennis Rodman had his first triple-double a couple of weeks ago. “Of course, for Rodman that meant two nipple rings, two obscene tattoos and two shades of pink in his hair.”

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Royally miffed: Prince Philip was tape-recorded talking to another woman on his cell phone. This is the fourth royal family scandal in a month. Says Argus Hamilton, “The bravest man in England brings Queen Elizabeth the newspaper every morning.”

* Adds Ray, “Prince Charles will visit Bosnia. The cold, the chaos, the battle scars are nothing new to this former soldier--he was married to Diana for 13 years.”

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Dig if you will . . . the upcoming wedding of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince to dancer Mayte on Valentine’s Day:

* “Gee, I wonder if she’s going to take his last name.” (Steinberg)

* “It’s only fitting that the ceremony will be performed by the Swaggert Formerly Known as Reverend.” (Pearlstein)

* “The gown will be form-fitting white taffeta, with a lovely sheer veil, accented by a dainty string of pearls. And the bride will probably wear something nice too.” (Perisho)

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Teacher Michael Thal of Van Nuys was leading his seventh-grade reading class through an article about workers in Mexico. To start a discussion, he told the students that he makes more in one day than a Mexican farm worker earns in a week. Astonished, 12-year-old Edith looked up at him and exclaimed:

“You mean you work?”