It’s Not the Heat, It’s Incredulity

Should you still find bizarre the image of Orel Hershiser dressed as a Cleveland Indian, or of Wayne Gretzky in St. Louis Blues’ togs, or even of Joe Montana actually going out in public in the costume of a Kansas City Chief, then just wait. Have I got an image for you.

Magic Johnson, Miami Heat.

That was the subtle hint dropped by Johnson last weekend, overwhelmed in subsequent news reports by the announcement that Magic would indeed be returning to the NBA next season, although he would be skipping the Olympic Games.

The phrase not necessarily with the Lakers seems to have been omitted from many of these reports.

Miami and the New York Knicks are the teams being linked with Johnson’s name, although you can bet the Detroit Pistons will get interested in a hurry if there’s a chance to bring Magic back to Michigan, where it all began.

Johnson acknowledged that there is no absolute guarantee he will be a Laker next season.

He said, “I’m identified with winning and with this team. But I’m about winning, so wherever I end up, it’s going to be about winning.”

If any of this sounds suspiciously like the sort of thing Gretzky was saying before the Kings sent him on his merry way, it should.

It’s a reminder not to count your chickens, or your superstars, just because you pay to see them play.

Take a look at the Dallas Cowboys, whose players are leaving in droves. Yeah, right . . . it’s all “about winning.”

Leaving the Lakers for the Miami Heat would be as much about “winning” as transferring from North Carolina to Cal State Northridge.

The truth of the matter is that the Lakers have socked away something like $8-9 million in their salary-cap Christmas Club, money meant to be used on, oh, Shaquille O’Neal, Juwan Howard, any free agent who happens to catch their fancy.

(Michael Jordan? Hmmm.)

This being a two-way street, Johnson has every right to explore offers from other teams himself. And a potential bidder whose name keeps popping up is Pat Riley, who kept bugging Magic more than anyone else to return to the NBA in the first place.

I can see Riley now, tempting Magic to join a lineup of Alonzo Mourning, Tim Hardaway, Walt Williams and everyone else in the team Riley has totally rebuilt.

Riley is such a persuasive salesman, he might get Johnson to believe that the best thing for his future would be South Florida, where older people love to go before retirement. And remember, Miami is a town where small children dream of growing up to be a Heat.

Me, I can’t picture Magic with that fireball on his jersey. But I couldn’t picture Orel with that grinning Indian on his cap, or Wayne with that gigantic F-sharp on his sweater, either.

As player-coach-part owner of the Lakers in his young lifetime, Earvin Johnson’s identity has been linked with Los Angeles since the minute he left college. He looks weird in other uniforms, like Colin Powell in a sailor suit.

The idea of his playing for an NBA club other than the Lakers is going to be the last straw for some sports fans.

In order to help you through it, just in case, I have taken the liberty of conjuring up several other visions.

Among them:

--Larry Bird, Vancouver Grizzly. Bored with his own retirement in Naples, Fla., and with hanging around the general store in French Lick, Ind., the former Boston Celtic star will announce that the Grizzlies have signed him for the 1996-97 season. He will wear No. 34, because some other Grizzly has 33. He will grow his mustache back, because Grizzlies should be hairy.

--Emmitt Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneer. “It’s all about winning,” Emmitt says, as he signs a $1-billion contract with the Buccaneers, who say they can no longer afford any NFL teammates for Emmitt but do have their eyes on several players from England, including Refrigerator Perry. In orange pants, Emmitt admits, “I look like the juice. I don’t mean O.J., I mean Minute Maid.”

--Coach John Wooden, USC. Tired of retirement, “the Wizard of Troy” reemerges to run the struggling program at the University of Southern California, vowing to bring back: (a) short pants; (b) the days when USC could beat Notre Dame, and (c) the four-corners stall.

--Cal Ripken, Florida Marlin. “I’m identified with playing every day,” Ripken says. “So wherever I play, who cares? What’s it to you?”

--Magic Johnson, L.A. Clipper. It’s about winning, Magic says after inking a surprise two-year deal. A spokesman for the Clippers adds, “It’s about what?”