BRIDGE MIX OF MADISON COUNTY, ANYONE?

To pig, or not to pig.

We’re talking about ham, not Hamlet, and the catalyst is my annual Oscar watching party. As always, the party is potluck, and the rule is as follows: Participants must bring food or drink consumed in or suggested by a nominated movie. Any nominated movie, even those hitherto-unheard-of short subjects. Bad puns and dubious taste heartily encouraged.

Need an example? “Silence of the Lambs” was perfect for both eaten in and suggested by; lamb for the latter, and liver with fava beans and a nice chianti for the former.

Eeww!

Good, you’re catching on.

Now, last year the big hurdle was the ubiquitous “Forrest Gump” and its equally ubiquitous food. To prevent a boring buffet, we had to add a second rule, the “Gump Plus One” writ--to wit, anyone bringing shrimp or a box of chocolates must bring an additional movie-inspired dish.

But that was nothing compared to the potential ethical snarls brought on by “Babe.”

Do we take the movie all too seriously and serve only vegan entries, or do we go for post-modern irony, and lay on the bacon? (And duck.)

“The only Bacon at this party better be Kevin!” one vegetarian invitee has already shrieked. (Nope, sorry, he wasn’t nominated.)

Thanks to that darn movie and its darn “don’t eat our animal friends” ideology, the table’s going to be divided right down the middle: animal-free products on the right, lard drippings on the left. Or perhaps we’ll use my husband’s compromise suggestion, Baco Bits, since they’re totally Babe-free.

But regardless of whether you choose to honor the spirit of “Babe,” or decide heck with it, bring on the pork rinds, this sort of thing completely changes how you watch movies. As soon as you realize you are viewing a probable Oscar contender, instead of admiring the dazzling direction, the beauty of the acting, or the eloquence of the script, you find yourself thinking, “Were those Pop Tarts?” Which is why, halfway through “Apollo 13,” I was quietly chanting, “Space food sticks and Tang.”

Of course this can backfire when the Academy doesn’t come through with the voting. And so wasted was the time spent noting Danny DeVito’s exact order at the Ivy restaurant in “Get Shorty” (egg-white omelet with shallots, but the shallots only slightly brown, very little olive oil, no salt; there, it was good for something), not to mention plans for short ribs and shortbread. Sitting in my pantry is a forlorn box of mix for “dirt” chocolate cupcakes with gummy worms, a bizarre kiddie marketing product thought a fine stand-in for the myriad buckets of earth toted in “The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill . . . .” And useless was the suggestion of Mystery Meat for “Clueless,” though perhaps it’s just as well.

Learn from these mistakes, and wait until after next year’s nominations before buying chocolate-covered ants for “Angels & Insects.”

Before launching into ideas for this year, let’s have a roundup of what appeared at the last. Thanks to the “Gump” rule, we had only one dish of shrimp (mine) and a mere three boxes of chocolates, though curiously all opted for Whitman’s Samplers or other quaint confection collections.

The hands-down winner of the night actually took a while to sink in: a can of nuts and a six pack of Slice, for Best Foreign Film nominee “Farinelli.” (It’s only funny when you realize it was a movie about a castrato.)

Did I mention we encourage bad puns?

Last year’s party also featured angel-food cake for “Heavenly Creatures,” and a plate of tomatoes, Red Vines and strawberries--for “Red.” Kugel represented “Quiz Show’s” poor maligned Herbert Stempel, baked garlic covered “Interview With the Vampire” and there were strawberries and chocolate for . . . oh, take a wild guess.

But on to 1996. For the first time, we have a suggestion from an actual nominee: Kathleen Quinlan, up for best supporting actress for “Apollo 13,” proposed ham and canned pineapple chunks, a quintessential ‘60s hors d’oeuvre, served by her character during an early party scene. And don’t forget Rocket pops, easily obtained from your neighborhood ice cream truck.

For “Braveheart”: haggis. (Let us know if anyone’s brave enough of heart to actually eat it.) And Scotch eggs. And Scotch scotch. And for aficionados of Mel’s butt: rump roast.

“Dead Man Walking” makes it easy for your guests--just tell them to bring what they would want for their last meal. (In case you wish to be true to the film, Sean Penn had shrimp.)

“Il Postino”: Italian food. If you must, take the easy way out and order pizza. Or go ahead, make it do double duty with “Dead Man” and get a Tombstone.

We only wish “Toy Story’ “s Pizza Planet were a real place--we’d eat there even if it wasn’t Oscar night.

Any kind of English food works for “Sense and Sensibility,” but in tribute to overlooked director Ang Lee, eat it with chopsticks. Which also come in handy for “Leaving Las Vegas,” except you have to use them to feed your partner. Lay in a supply of ice cubes, and don’t forget a designated driver for those many, many runs to the liquor store.

But if really pressed, just bring anything. If anyone questions you, look them straight in the eye and say with utter conviction, “Live Action Short Subject.” Who’s going to know?