Punch Lines
Madonna, with child: Singer/sex bomb Madonna announces she’s four months pregnant with the child of her personal trainer, Carlos Leon:
* “He has his own exercise video, ‘Bedsprings of Steel.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
* “There should be a lot less head-butting and ref-roughing in the NBA now that paternity has been claimed.” (Kaseberg)
* “Her announcement prompted fashion designers around the world to create lines of infant tassels.” (Brad Halpern)
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In the news: Tuesday was the bleary morning after for tax procrastinators. Says Kaseberg:
“Or, as accountants call it, ‘The Orgy: Day 1.’ ”
“Or, as militia members call it, ‘New Member Rush.’ ”
President Clinton is in Japan for a summit meeting. He’ll return with some good news, says Alan Ray: “Value Meals are a lot cheaper in the U.S.”
The president wants a peace agreement between North and South Korea. Says Argus Hamilton, “If it works out as well as his Middle East peace agreement, then we’ve all got a month to live.”
The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspect’s cabin. Says Tony Peyser, “It’s a good thing he was taking that stuff. Otherwise, he might have done something really crazy.”
Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow.
* “Breakfast-food downsizing means now it’ll only be Lieutenant Crunch.” (Jenny Church)
* “Inside every box of Lucky Charms you’ll find ‘Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips!’ ” (Church)
* “To save money, they’ve also replaced their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man action figures.” (Alex Pearlstein)
In Riverside, shouting broke out at a pro-police rally. Says Hamilton, “Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico and Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Pete Wilson promised he would get California moving again.”
The new pro soccer team the L.A. Galaxy debuted at the Rose Bowl. One of its players is actor Andrew Shue of “Melrose Place.” Says Jay Leno, “A study showed that when soccer players bounce the ball off their heads they can lose IQ points. I feel sorry for Andrew Shue. Between the Galaxy and ‘Melrose Place’ he’s probably losing 10 points a week.”
* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “When he cross-dribbles, is Shue on the other foot?”
It was a coin flip for your viewing pleasure last weekend, says Michael X. Ferraro: “Go to a theater and see ‘James and the Giant Peach’ or stay home and watch ‘Roseanne and the Giant Lemon.’ ”
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Reader Esther Dickson of Cerritos says her husband, Jim, was telling their daughter, Patty, details of some surgery he was about to have to repair a hernia. Granddaughter Kieran, 6, was listening with great interest. When he mentioned that some sort of reinforcing material would be used to prevent recurrence of the hernia, Kieran asked:
“Grandpa, have you tried duct tape?”
