A Sure-Fire Way to Reduce Cholesterol

Have you heard all the Marge Schott stories? Well, here’s one more supplied by Thomas Boswell of the Washington Post:

“Last year, the Cincinnati Reds had a party for one of their front-office personnel. The buffet was mostly cold cuts and white bread. Schottzie 2, the enormous drooling St. Bernard owned by team owner Schott, started licking the bowl full of mayonnaise.

“ ‘Marge,’ said the wife of one Red, ‘Schottzie’s gotten into the food.’

“ ‘That’s terrible,’ Schott said. ‘That’s expensive mayonnaise.’

“So Schott got a knife, stirred the mayo until the evidence--three big doggie tongue prints--disappeared. Then, Schott said loudly, ‘Come on everybody. Eat Up.’ ”

*

Trivia time: Who holds the NBA playoff record for most rebounds in one game?

*

Mission impossible: Joe Posnanski of the Cincinnati Post on the Reds’ relief pitchers: “When was the last time one of these guys got somebody out? Poor Ray Knight, the Reds’ manager, is in the dugout looking like Ed Harris in ‘Apollo 13,’ desperately trying to figure out some miraculous way to get his Reds home.”

*

Triple bogey: Rob Parker of Newsday found a convenient comparison for New York Knick center Patrick Ewing’s combined three points in the final quarters of NBA playoff losses to the Chicago Bulls: “Sort of like Greg Norman, just with shorter pants and no hat.”

*

Similarity: Larry Guest in the Orlando Sentinel: “Covering the Kentucky Derby is a lot like covering the Orlando Magic. The competitors are very large, overly pampered and don’t speak to the media.”

*

A hot dog: Former pitcher Larry Andersen, a coach in the Phillies’ minor league system, describing rookie Philadelphia starter Mike Grace:

“Let’s just say that if Disneyland is ever looking for someone to wear the Goofy costume, I’ve got the perfect candidate.”

He is just goofy enough to have a 5-0 record.

*

Tripping out: From David Letterman: “The Olympic torch passed through the city of San Francisco. The trip took a little longer than they had planned because the guy running with the torch, he went through Haight-Ashbury and he got hung up there for about an hour, lighting joints.”

*

Looking back: On this day in 1919, Sir Barton, ridden by Johnny Loftus, won the Kentucky Derby by 5 1/2 lengths on the way to becoming the first to win the Triple Crown.

*

Trivia answer: Wilt Chamberlain of the Philadelphia 76ers, with 41 against Boston on April 5, 1967.

*

And finally: Phoenix guard Kevin Johnson spotted his mother, Georgia West, during the Suns’ only playoff victory over San Antonio before they were eliminated.

“I looked up at a monitor, and I could see her dancing around, kicking her leg up,” Johnson said. “Turns out her shoe came off and hit a little girl in the head. I’ll probably be getting some kind of liability suit in the mail.”