Punch Lines

Give us a break today: McDonald’s is going after baby boomers with a new sandwich called the Arch Deluxe, marketed to adults with some grown-up ads:

* “It’s an instant success . . . even hotter than their coffee.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Expect a legal battle. That’s the same name Dr. Scholl uses for orthopedic inserts.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “They should call it the ‘Fallen Arches Deluxe.’ ” (Bill Williams)

* “Noting its 30 grams of fat, cardiologists have nicknamed it the Arch Enemy.” (Bob Mills)

* “They also unveiled a new jingle: ‘You Deserve a Quadruple Bypass Today.’ ” (Mills)

* “To make it ‘adult’ the cheeseburger comes with Dijon mustard and a mortgage.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Someone analyzed that mustard and found it’s 60% Metamucil.” (Mills)

* “Even the Happy Meal is aimed at the over-40 crowd. This week’s prize is a Tums.” (Alan Ray)

* “It’s great--comes with fries, cold drink and a Bill Clinton action figure.” (Kenny Noble)

* “I don’t know about those new commercials, though. Do we really have to see Ronald McDonald visit his prostate specialist?” (Alex Pearlstein)

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In the news: An original CARE package like those used after World War II will be given to the Smithsonian. Says Perisho, “Also, President Clinton will receive a special CARE package containing 12 assurances, 10 excuses, a half-dozen stall tactics and, for when times are very tough, one air-tight alibi.”

Sniping between top Republicans Newt Gingrich and Al D’Amato has gotten so nasty, Mills says, Connie Chung is trying to find out from Newt’s mom what he calls D’Amato in private.

According to the National Resources Defense Council, each year 6,000 people in Los Angeles are killed by lead particles in the air. Says Jay Leno, “They’re called bullets.”

Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry has been on sabbatical in St. Louis. Says Joe Vogel, “His representatives say he was seeking spiritual enlightenment, but now has found it and is confident that he can get it past the airport security check.”

Just days after winning the Kentucky Derby, Grindstone is being retired to stud because of a bone chip in the knee:

* “Tonya Harding must have wanted to win the Derby.” (Jenny Church)

* “He’ll spend the rest of his life having sex. In an unrelated story, today Charlie Sheen came up lame.” (Leno)

The movie “Twister” opened Friday. Says Pearlstein, “Wow, what a film! The most exciting part was when the guy had to squeeze his foot over her arm to reach the yellow dot.”

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Reader Carol Lindgren of Torrance says her 8-year-old grandson, Matt, was filling her in on a story line from “Beverly Hills, 90210.” It seems one of the women was involved with someone other than her husband. Matt solemnly declared:

“She’s having an unfair.”

(Adds Grandma, “Seems like an apt description to me.”)