Rock of Ages?

Are the Chicago Bulls the best team of all time?

Better than the 1927 New York Yankees?

Better than the 1972 Miami Dolphins?

Better than the 1996 Los Angeles Galaxy?

I’ll have to think about that.

OK, time’s up. I thought about it.

Yes, they are.

The Bulls are so good, they could win the NBA title with a team of Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, Siskel and Ebert.

The Bulls are so good, their tattoos could beat Seattle.

The Bulls are so good, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar couldn’t even start for them. (Of course, he’s 49 years old.)

I believe we are witnessing a truly unique team here, the likes of which might never be seen again.

(Particularly if this team gets broken up over money demands, Michael’s sudden decision to play professional tennis or Dennis driving his motorcycle back home to the planet Lovetron.)

Best team of all time.

You’ll notice there’s no question mark after that sentence, as in: Best team of all time?

These guys play basketball the way Mike Tyson plays boxing.

There is nothing they don’t or won’t do. You want a slow pace, the Bulls can play it slow. You want to run with them, the Bulls will run you halfway to Waukegan.

You try to muscle them, Rodman will bump you, butt you, grab you, goose you, lift you, lick you, elbow you, armpit you, hook you with a nose, ear or nipple ring, or flop backward like Flipper on dry land.

You try to rattle them, Jordan will taunt you, tease you, trash you, dis you, double-dare you, Elvis-sneer you, gaze, glint, glare, growl or bet you $100,000 he can make his next 10 shots.

You try to double-team them, Jordan looks at Pippen, Pippen looks at Jordan, and they break out laughing.

You try to tire them, Toni Kukoc comes off the bench and he’s better than most of the guys your team is starting.

You try to get their center in foul trouble, Phil Jackson replaces his center with one of his 20 or 30 interchangeable centers, each of whom reminds you of the Sears Tower, only with less mobility.

You finally catch Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, Kukoc and those centers on a rare off-night, then in comes some little huckleberry named Steve Kerr who shoots in basket after basket like some rube at a carnival needing 10 in a row to win a stuffed panda.

These guys could go 87-11.

That’s what their record will be, if the Bulls conclude grinding up Seattle tonight like a pound of Vienna roast.

This series was over the instant we knew Jordan and Kukoc wouldn’t spend it in traction. Both guys had backaches. As soon as Seattle needed seven games to beat Utah, I knew that the only way Chicago could lose four times in a seven-game series was if all five starters developed ear infections from being yelled at by Oprah.

I never thought I would say it about any team with a Jud Buechler, but this is the best basketball team ever. The quintessential quintet. The real fab five, much fabber than those Michigan dudes. A dream team with only two all-stars, although leaving Rodman off of any all-star team is like leaving Jennifer Aniston off of any All-Friends team.

Wilt, Jerry and Elgin?

Bird, McHale and Parish?

Magic, Big Game James and Cap?

Good teams all. Better than good. If you popped in a Nintendo tape and pitted the 1971-72 Lakers against the 1985-86 Celtics, or the 1966-67 76ers (Chamberlain, Walker, Greer) or the 1969-70 Knicks (Reed, Frazier, Bradley) or the 1959-60 Celtics (Russell, Cousy, Heinsohn) or the 1987-88 Clippers (Benjamin, Cage, Kite), I don’t know who would end up winning, although there is a trick question in this paragraph, if you can find it.

I only know that I love this Bull herd.

And if there were a Nick at Nite channel for classic basketball, this Chicago team would have its own half-hour.

They don’t pass like the Showtime teams, don’t intimidate like the vintage Boston teams, don’t shoot like that Knick team, but they have teamwork and defense as good as anybody’s. Imagine that, a team with Jordan and Pippen that prides itself on its defense, a team with Rodman that prides itself on its teamwork.

It’s easy to compare the Bulls to the great teams of the past.

Wilt with his 20,000 women. Dennis with his 20,000 dresses.

Bird with his trash talk. Jordan talking his trash while in midair.

Kareem with those goggles. Pippen with that nose no goggles could cover.

I’ll tell you how good these Bulls are.

They would be winning their sixth consecutive championship, if Michael Jordan hadn’t thought he could play center field.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

How the Bulls Measure Up Comparing the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls to some of the great NBA championship teams of the past. *--*

Season Team Regular Playoff Points Points Victory Season Record For Against Margin 1995-96 Chicago 72-10 14-1* 105.2 92.9 +12.3 1971-72 Lakers 69-13 12-3 121.0 108.7 +12.3 1966-67 Philadelphia 68-13 11-4 125.2 115.8 +9.4 1985-86 Boston 67-15 15-3 114.1 104.7 +9.4 1991-92 Chicago 67-15 15-7 109.9 99.5 +10.4 1970-71 Milwaukee 66-16 12-2 118.4 106.2 +12.2 1986-87 Lakers 65-17 15-3 117.8 108.5 +9.3 1964-65 Boston 62-18 8-4 112.8 104.5 +8.3 1961-62 Boston 60-20 8-6 121.1 111.9 +9.2

Season Games Ahead** 1995-96 8 1971-72 6 1966-67 8 1985-86 5 1991-92 10 1970-71 14 1986-87 6 1964-65 13 1961-62 6

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* still playing ** number of games ahead of second-place team.