Punch Lines

About last night (the NBA draft): We hate to dwell on the youth of the players but the Cutler Daily Scoop points out that the draft was televised on Nickelodeon.

And that’s not all . . .

* The telecast was hosted by Raffi.

* Michael Jackson wants to buy a franchise.

* Says Alex Pearlstein, the NBA almost had to reschedule the draft. Half the first-rounders were afraid they’d miss their proms.

And speaking of young people: Cutler quotes the International Confederation of Free Trade Unions as saying 200,000 children worldwide work.

“So many kids working. So many resumes for Kathie Lee to go through.”

In the news: Cutler says it’s fitting that the post office would honor Janes Dean.

“Dean never made it to his destination either.”

This year, Bill Clinton has endorsed school uniforms, curfews and time off for parents to attend the PTA. He’s come out against teen sex and teen smoking. So, Argus Hamilton says, the James Dean stamp must have been Al Gore’s idea.

Bill Williams notes that the Court of Appeals in Maryland is reviewing a proposed ethics rule that would bar lawyers from having sex with their clients.

“Screwing the client is, however, still very much encouraged.”

The cover of this week’s Time magazine pairs Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Dole and asks: “Which one would be the better first lady?” Jay Leno says the president acknowledged that’s a hard question to answer. “Because, you know, he really hasn’t slept with either one of them.”

Unabomber suspect Ted Kaczynski entered a not-guilty plea in a California courtroom earlier this week. So why did the defense lawyer look so nervous?

Says Hamilton: “His client had just told him that the check is in the mail.”

Alabama has decided to abandon prison chain gangs:

* “Prison officials say now that Sam Cooke’s dead, it’s just not the same.” (Johnny Robish)

* “However, citizens are still demanding chain gangs for chain smokers who write chain letters.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Atlanta is gearing up for the Olympics. Says Alan Ray, “On opening day there will be the ceremonial raising of the prices.”

In Las Vegas, Circus Circus plans to expand its hotel and casino operation. Says Gary Easley, “They plan to grow large enough to change their name to Circus Circus Circus.”

In Laguna Niguel there’s a federal office building shaped like an ancient temple where the Aztecs cut the living hearts out of sacrificial victims. Says Richard Miller, “The building houses IRS offices, where they do pretty much the same thing.”

*

Reader Marty Willinski of Northridge says a teacher asked his daughter, Amy, then 5, “What do your mother and father do?” Amy replied:

“My mother is an artist and my father steals ice cream from the freezer.”