Not for Rednecks Only

Jeff Foxworthy’s a comedian. He has a prime-time sitcom. So, like Jerry, Paul, Tim and Ellen before him, Foxworthy got on the publishing laugh track. And if it weren’t for that little pipsqueak Dennis Rodman (arguably a funny guy), “No Shirt, No Shoes. . . . No Problem!” (Hyperion) would probably be No. 1 on the bestseller list. After all, Foxworthy’s redneck humor is only one small part of the total man. In the new book, excerpted here, he acquaints readers with his many other sides:

Jeff, the heterosexual:

“An ideal roommate has a horny sister. Or is someone’s horny sister. Or is one and has one. Or knows one.”

Jeff, the prankster:

“We were going to convince [the groom] Jimmy that he had a cliff-hanger; in other words, something in his nose. As each of us walked down the aisle to join him, we’d point discreetly to our noses. Jimmy spent his entire wedding picking at his nose. He would look over at us like, ‘Did I get it?’ We’d look back and silently mouth, ‘Nah, you didn’t get it.’ ”

Jeff, the monogamous heterosexual:

“I don’t flush the toilet while she’s taking a shower, and she doesn’t use the blender while I’m watching ‘Bass Fishing with Uncle Bullsheets.’ ”

Jeff, the animal lover:

“[There are] only two possible old-people-type dogs. The first is the ugly little white poodle with the very pink belly and the lactating eye problem. The other is the Chihuahua with the gray nose and cataracts that is so obese its nipples stick out sideways. Tell me there’s not an old-people pet store somewhere where you can actually buy only these two animals.”

Jeff, the informed citizen:

“I read recently in Scientific American that a mother’s spit duplicates the exact chemical composition of Formula 409. It can get rust off a car bumper.”