No Go-to Guy, Vlade Became Go-Away Guy

The trouble with Los Angeles is, we can’t get football teams to stay and we can’t get the Clippers to leave.

Los Angeles, city of padded shoulders, valet parker to the world.

Vlade Divac wanted to stay.

L.A. asked him to go.

What a revolting development this was. A loyal guy, a valuable guy, a prince of a guy, Vlade longed to stay here and play basketball with the Lakers, for the Forum fans, his favorites.

But people pushed him toward the state line, with a Thomas Guide to Charlotte, N.C.

They sang, “Hit the road, Vlad, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.” Some practically begged him to leave.

Feature that. Vlade Divac actually caught heat for hurting the Lakers by wanting to stay with them. Talk-show callers took cheap shots. Hosts insulted him. All because he didn’t want to leave town.

L.A., love it or . . . uh, don’t leave it.

Even his own team had a vested interest in Vlade hitting the bricks. Jerry Buss loves Vlade. Jerry West loves Vlade. Everybody in Lakerville loves Vlade. But out you go. For our sakes, Vlade, you gotta split. It’s for the best. You’ll love North Carolina in winter, honest.

No way, said Vlade. I stay here.

And so, a brand new Bosnian conflict begun. It was a standoff. The Lakers asked Vlade to relocate to Charlotte, which has a Serbo-Croatian population of, if I am not mistaken, six. OK, maybe seven. But Vlade said nothing would be finer than to not be in Carolina. He didn’t want to be transplanted there. It was the invasion of the Vlade-snatchers. He likes his pod right here in L.A.

The plot thickened.

Vladegate.

But it looks as if Vlade waved the white flag. Apparently, the Lakers have swung the deal that will bring them Hollywood’s newest child star, Kobe Bryant.

Kobe bears the name of the Japanese city devastated by an earthquake, making him perfect for Los Angeles. He is the son of Jellybean Joe Bryant, a fine NBA player who averaged 10.9 points in his three seasons as a Clipper, then apparently lived a normal life with no emotional scars from having been a Clipper.

The Lakers covet Kobe. He never spent one minute at a major U.S. university, but neither did Moses Malone. Neither did Shawn Kemp. Neither did Kevin Garnett.

Hey, neither did Vlade.

Aside from landing Commander Kobe, the Lakers by waving bye-bye to Vlade will increase the money they have available to sign Shaquille O’Neal as a free agent. Shaq is another NBA star who never played for a major university, having attended Louisiana State.

(It’s a joke, Dale Brown! Just a joke!)

The Lakers have nothing against Vlade. They simply needed him to vanish. He wasn’t disloyal, disrespectful, greedy, lazy, a troublemaker or a loser. The relationship simply ran its course. Incompatibility. Irreconcilable differences. I don’t know what the grounds will be. This is California, so all I know is that Vlade should get half.

His wife evidently wants to stay in L.A. to be an actress. She obviously knows that the only film-maker in North Carolina currently thriving is Kodak.

Vlade has been a good Angeleno.

He loves L.A., like nobody since Randy Newman. He never gets arrested and never has been charged with ref-abuse. He is always polite and speaks better English than most of the NBA players born in America. There is nothing about Vlade Divac that I dislike, except his monogrammed towels.

I so hate to see him go.

Vlade was part of L.A. (The letters L.A. are part of V-l-a-d-e.)

I cannot castigate A.C. Green for leaving the Lakers voluntarily and then chide Vlade Divac for not wanting to leave. I will never boo Vlade, ever. If the next time I see him, he is dressed as a Charlotte Hornet and looks like a big, bearded bumblebee, I will stand for Vlade and I will cheer. The whole Forum will.

Vlade, old European friend, you have been called for traveling.

Have fun in Charlotte, if that’s humanly possible. We’ll leave a light on for you.