Punch Lines

In the news: Jack Kemp keeps telling everyone that California is Bob Dole country. Says Argus Hamilton, “We have O.J. on trial, David Duke in the Valley and Ellen set to fly out of the closet any day now. If this is Dole country, Clinton may win on character after all.”

Johnnie Cochran’s new book is already in its third printing. Says Hy Faber, “The first two were contaminated by the LAPD.”

* Adds Jenny Church, “It’s the first book to come with an Armani dust jacket.”

In the Mideast peace summit in Washington this week, says Hamilton, “We’ll have the Palestinians negotiating under Islamic law, the Israelis negotiating under Judaic law and the Americans negotiating under Murphy’s law.”

A man on a flight to Las Vegas was arrested for assaulting a flight attendant. Says Alan Ray, “Other passengers expressed shock. He actually got one’s attention.”

A new ordinance in New York bans panhandlers who “threaten passersby, block pedestrians, use threatening gestures or cause unreasonable inconvenience.” Says Joe Vogel, “Civil rights lawyers want to know why beggars are being treated differently from other New Yorkers.”

In Germany, Munich’s Oktoberfest drew such crowds that organizers started urging people to stay away. Says Church, “Finally, desperate to keep tourists away, they borrowed a big sign: ‘Welcome to Euro Disney.’ ”

The Kremlin announced that Boris Yeltsin may have to wait months before he can have the heart operation he needs. Says Hamilton, “Americans really sympathize. We have HMOs in our country too.”

The FDA has rejected an anti-obesity drug over safety concerns. Says Ray, “Scientists also say its cost may be prohibitive. Lab rats given the drug for an extended period had to buy all new wardrobes.”

A Long Beach hospital reports that four sets of triplets have been born there in a three-week period. Says Johnny Robish, “More information will be made available as soon as they finish the math.”

The Broadway show “Big” will close on Oct. 13, making it the biggest flop in New York theater history. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “For the last few performances, producers may add the word ‘Mistake’ to the show’s title.”

The public is still reeling from JFK Jr.’s marriage. Says Faber, “There hasn’t been so much disappointment among single women since Michael Jackson announced he was eligible again.”

*

Reader Ernie Martinez of Yorba Linda was crossing the Columbia River during a Pacific Northwest vacation trip with his family. He asked Anthony, 9, and Andrea, 8, if they knew who Lewis and Clark were. “Of course!” they answered. While he was still basking in pride at their knowledge of American explorers, they added:

“They’re the ones from the Superman show on TV.”