Punch Lines

Pow! Biff! Wham! California Attorney General Dan Lungren asked newspapers to pull this week’s “Doonesbury” comics because they chide him for raiding a group that supplies marijuana to medical patients. Says Jerry Perisho, “After they refused, Lungren spitefully searched Apartment 3-G as a crack house, arrested Rex Morgan, M.D., for illegally distributing steroids and accused Mary Worth of being one of Heidi Fleiss’ girls.”

*

In the news: President Clinton finally got Yasser Arafat and Benjamin Netanyahu to agree on one thing, says Michael X. Ferraro. “Neither wanted to watch the Country Music Awards with him.”

The latest Mideast troubles began when Israel dug tunnels under religious shrines in Jerusalem. Says Argus Hamilton, “This is why the L.A. subway will never go under the William Morris Agency building. It’s an ancient career burial ground.”

A 7-year-old New York boy, serving a five-day suspension for kissing a classmate, had his punishment reduced to three days. Says Alex Pearlstein, “A lot of people are wondering why his suspension was cut short. I’m sorta guessing presidential pardon.”

Bob Dole charged that the medical information Clinton released doesn’t even include his blood type. Says Hamilton, “You know where Dole is going with this. During the debate, he’s going to ask Clinton to try on the bloody glove.”

Ecologists at Yellowstone National Park say there are too many snails taking up space there. Says Jenny Church, “So, should the Postal Service downsize?”

*

Truth or consequences: Mark Fuhrman pleaded no contest to lying in court about using racial slurs:

* “On tape, the world heard him use the ‘N-word’ more than 600 times. His plea might keep him from some jobs, but at least he has a great demo tape if he wants to make it as a rap artist.” (Hamilton)

* “For three years he must report to his probation officer each month to get his mouth washed out with soap.” (Gary Easley)

* “His supporters insist his testimony wasn’t really perjury, just a little white lie.” (Johnny Robish)

* “If he thought the ‘N-word’ caused him trouble, wait until he sees how much of the ‘M-word’ his lawyers bill him for.” (Bob Mills)

*

The spit heard ‘round the world: Baseball umpires remain furious about the Roberto Alomar spitting incident. Says Mills, “The umps have a powerful natural ally in this controversy--Justice, too, is blind.”

* Adds Jay Leno, “They keep yelling, ‘Remember the Alomar!’ ”

*

Reader D.R. Burgschneider of Downey says his son’s family moved from Palmdale to Wichita to take a new job. On the way, they stopped at a motel for the night. At the pool, another guest asked daughter Lindsay, 4, where she was from. She quickly replied:

“We used to live in the United States but now we will live in Kansas.”