Punch Lines

Play ball! The World Series has begun. Says Alan Ray, “When the organist plays ‘Charge!’ it can only mean one thing: He’s trying to motivate the concession vendors.”

To get to the series, the Braves creamed the Cardinals, 15-0, in Game 7 of the N.L. playoffs. Says Bob Mills, “Trailing 13-0 in the sixth inning, the Cardinals threw down their bats and attacked the Braves on the character issue.”

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In the news: The Democrats reportedly raised $50,000 from Buddhist monks in Los Angeles. That’s odd, because they had taken a vow of poverty. Says Argus Hamilton, “They all just met with Clinton’s lawyers and the vow of silence is next.”

Insiders say Jack Kemp’s performance in the debate went so badly, the front-runners for 2000 are now Al Gore and Dan Quayle. Says Hamilton, “Politics has nothing to do with it. It’s all a plot to bring back Johnny Carson.”

Pope John Paul II is recovering from his appendectomy. Says Ray, “He found out his HMO won’t pay for the operation. His God isn’t on their list of available deities.”

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has moved six young California condors to northern Arizona. Says Jerry Perisho, “When the Arizona birds heard that Californians were moving in, they squawked, ‘There goes the neighborhood.’ ”

A 70-year-old man was jailed in Edna, Texas, after a state trooper pulled him over and found 3 million Valium pills in his car. Says Perisho, “You may not have heard of Edna. It’s a sleepy little town. . . .”

San Francisco hosted a big accordion festival this past weekend. Says Mills, “When the Monterey Jazz Festival heard about it, it pulled up stakes and moved farther down the coast.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Sales of accordions have increased 36%. So maybe the rise in teen drug use isn’t the most disturbing trend in society.”

The National Enquirer says Tori Spelling’s weight has dropped to 95 pounds. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Spelling insists she doesn’t have a problem, she’s just trying to get back to her original weight of 7 pounds, 3 ounces.”

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Cirque du O.J.: A jury has been seated for the O.J. Simpson civil trial:

* “In order to get a mixed group whose members are not familiar with the case, the jury is composed of three Tasmanians, three contestants from ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ four space aliens, a cocker spaniel and a dead guy.” (Olympia Daily World)

* “The jurors only get $15 a day. O.J.’s lawyer was told that even in Alabama jurors get $25 a day. He said, ‘No, thanks, we’ll take our chances in Santa Monica.’ ” (Hamilton)

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Reader Ernest Rosalez of Monrovia told his 4 1/2-year-old daughter not to eat any Halloween candy until after dinner. Soon he saw her sneaking candy into her mouth. “I said ‘No candy until after dinner,’ ” he scolded. She replied:

“I’m not eating it. I’m hiding them in my mouth.”