Punch Lines

Our kind of town: Los Angeles residents are protesting Disney’s bid to put black spots all over the “Hollywood” sign to hype its new version of “101 Dalmatians.” Says Alex Pearlstein, “I’ve got the perfect solution for Disney: Just stop by City Hall and make 101 donations.”

MGM is working on a new underwater epic to be called “Submerged.” Says the Olympia Daily World, “The bad news: An earthquake plunges the entire city of L.A. under water. The good news: No more wildfires.”

Malibu residents have seen fire and they’ve seen rain. Now they’re worried about mudslides, says Alan Ray. “Homeowners are worried that the whole neighborhood will start going downhill.”

Southland smog levels have dropped to the lowest levels in decades. Says Pearlstein, “Tell me about it! I’ve lived here my whole life and I finally realized why they call it the San Fernando Valley.”

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In the news: The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton, “The exact time hasn’t been announced. Aides are still trying to fit it in between fund-raisers.”

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, “Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees.”

A massive cold front swept across the nation this week, but it’s not expected to affect the election. Says Hamilton, “The Weather Channel said the five-day forecast for Bob Dole is three days.”

Safeway has made a $1.7-billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills, “The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard yelling ‘Price check on the company!’ ”

* He adds, “The original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out a huge stack of double-value coupons.”

Kellogg’s is planning a new line of health foods. Like what, asks Jenny Church, “Brown Rice Krispies? Frosted Spinach? Froot and Vegetable Loops?”

Researchers say men and women perceive physical pain differently. Says Pearlstein, “A perfect example: Women feel pain most acutely during childbirth while men experience it most during ‘Monday Night Football.’ ”

Grace Slick just celebrated her 57th birthday. Says Gary Easley, “These days when she sings ‘one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small,’ she’s talking hormone-replacement therapy.”

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Reader Rose Horton of Brea was helping daughter Katie, 6, with her homework, which was a fill-in-the-blank exercise with the alphabet. For “L, --, N” Katie correctly said “M,” and for “A, B, --” she quickly answered “C.” But she needed a bit of prompting on the next one, “T, --, V.” Mom asked, “Well, what comes between T and V?” Katie looked at her and replied:

“Homework.”