Punch Lines

Memmm-reeeees . . . Researchers at UC Irvine have discovered an experimental drug that appears to improve human memory:

* “It will be tested on patients next year . . . or is it next month?” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Take that, you #@%&ing; Periodic Table of Elements!” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “First in line to order a 55-gallon drum of the stuff was Whitewater investigator Kevin Starr.” (Alan Jay Weiss)

* “The effect is so dramatic, one male test subject even remembered his own wedding anniversary.” (Jenny Church)

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In the news: Nervous over rumblings that he should step down as speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich is fielding other offers, says Craig Kilborn. “He’s heard from ‘House of Style’ and the House of Blues, but Washington insiders expect he’s most likely to become speaker of the House of Pancakes.”

A Russian rocket to Mars went awry and crashed into the ocean off Australia. Says Bob Mills, “Officials report that the rocket’s sensitive on-board guidance system suddenly became confused and disoriented after it passed over Michael Jackson’s wedding.”

A CIA agent is suspected of passing important secrets to the Russians. Says Russ Myers, “Gee, now everybody’s going to know how to sell crack.”

If Bob Dornan is defeated, says Tarja Black, “C-SPAN will be forced to cancel its long-running series, ‘Jeers.’ ”

The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, is the newest spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Says Kilborn, “She’s inspired several new slogans, including ‘We lost an empire--what’s a few pounds?’ ”

Doctors say strep throat can trigger obsessive behavior in children, causing them to do things like continuously wash their hands, clean their rooms or comb their hair. Says Alan Ray, “This must be one extremely rare affliction.”

Catholics in Ireland can now phone in their confessions at $1.50 a minute. Says Mills, “The new service even provides ‘sin waiting’ for callers who get a busy signal.”

CBS has canceled its series “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Says Gary Easley, “For viewers who miss the couple, they will be appearing nightly at motels all across the nation.”

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Reader Don Carey of Camarillo recalls that during the Watergate investigation, daughter Martha, then 7, heard about President Nixon’s problems--including the possibility that he might be impeached. Impressed by this, she called her grandmother and said:

“Turn on your TV! President Nixon is going to be unplummed!”