Punch Lines

Nature versus Nurture: “Have you heard these ads on the radio for these all-natural, California-grown Thanksgiving turkeys?” asks Jay Leno. “They say they have no additives, no artificial coloring. They are 100% natural. You know, L.A. is probably the only place in America where you see bleached blonds with silicone implants leave a tanning salon so they can go to the market and get an all-natural turkey.”

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In the News: Nike is still employing underage workers in its overseas factories. The proof, says Alex Kaseberg, is that “the motivational slogan in one factory is, ‘Just do it . . . or you won’t get any dessert.’ ”

* Observes Bob Mills, “The Air Jordan XII limited edition model comes autographed by Michael and the 7-year-old Ethiopian who stitched it together.”

Prozac has been approved as a treatment for bulimia. Says Steve Tatham, “Now the patients are fat and jolly.”

* “You take the Prozac, then you don’t care what you weigh.” (Life/Entertainment).

To mark the 25th anniversary this week of D.B. Cooper’s parachuting into Washington state with a stolen $200,000, Bill Williams says, “The last thing he said before jumping out of the plane was, ‘Bob Dole will be president before you ever get me.’ ”

O.J. Simpson testified at his civil trial. “I think the low point was when he blamed everything on the evil bloodstain fairy,” says Alex Pearlstein.

* Leno observes, “Now if you’ve been watching the civil trial, you know O.J. testified he never, never struck his wife Nicole. Man, it’s bad enough he has to find the real killers. Now he’s gotta go look for the real wife-beaters too.”

A survey shows that United Airlines serves the healthiest airline food. “The report has sent shock waves through the world’s airports,” Alan Ray says. “Someone actually sampled the stuff.”

* “Kinda like being named the New York Jets’ most valuable player. What next? Most pleasant New York cabby?” (Life/Entertainment).

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Gonzo Movies: Variety says that a new movie production of the book “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” is in the works. “One of the stars will be Wayne Newton,” says Jerry Perisho, “but we don’t know who will play the part of fear.”

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Reader Jeff Orr of Diamond Bar recalls one all-too-typical evening after an exhausting day. He and wife Carol were too tired to decide what to have for dinner, and finally decided to nuke some chicken strips and fries for sons Jason, 6, and Max, 5. As the food was heating in the microwave, Max pleaded:

“Mom, I’m really hungry. Could you fast-forward it?”