Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, It’s Off to Loaf He Goes

The fact that Mike Ovitz’s departure from the Disney organization was announced on Friday the 13th should have foretold the shoddy way he was treated. Friends I know who are very close to the Disney organization (well, they live two blocks away from Disney) have urged me to please honor their astounding secret information, which I am honoring in this column. The fact that Ovitz will profit, allegedly by more than $90 million, for his year’s work at Disney is only the smoke screen that hides what he does not get.

My friends said that they heard Ovitz actually was getting more than $90 billion, which I think is in error. After all, how well can you hear in a house two blocks from Disney, not counting the traffic noise and the soundtrack of “The Lion King,” which is sometimes played aloud during the lunch break? And even if it were true, who would believe it? No one gets $90 billion to leave a job. That would be scandalous. No, it’s only $90 million, which to some people not living in Hollywood seems like a lot of money.

Getting back to my more important information, this is what Ovitz is not getting:

* No Christmas bonus.

* His health benefits were canceled.

* No more free Anaheim Ducks hockey seats, although he can still get them at the reduced price for former employees.

* No references. This one really jarred me. What do they expect Ovitz to say when his next prospective employer asks, “What have you been doing since you left C.A.A., Mr. Ovitz?” And if he answers, “I’ve been working at Disney,” would he be forced to give Michael Eisner’s phone number, only to hear Eisner say, “He came in on time, but other things didn’t work out.”

* He had to give back his gas credit card.

* He is still allowed to use the Disney private jet, but he has to fly in coach.

* Despite their close friendship, Ovitz is no longer allowed to whisper into Eisner’s ear, in private or in public. It is, however, permissible to whisper in Eisner’s throat, hair or under his wrist.

* He will have to wait four years if he chooses to run for president of the United States. Two years for vice president.

Ovitz did not have to give back his key to the men’s room since he had his own men’s room in his car.

There were other benefits that were denied or forfeited by Ovitz that are too petty and banal to mention in a classy column like this. Whether he gave up more than he got is a question you will have to ask yourselves, because I’m sure no one else will ask them of you. I have said enough, I believe, without endangering the names of my informants. Pam and Jacques Berkowitz are too decent to have to suffer for my carelessness.

Wherever he goes, whatever he does, I wish Ovitz the very best and I am certain he will make a success of whatever he undertakes. I am not an investigative reporter. I’m just an observer of what I like to call “Tinsel Town,” to coin a well-worn phrase. But more than anything, I fervently hope that at no time will I receive a letter that says, “You will never have a turkey burger in this town again. Unsigned.”