Punch Lines

Sports Update: Major league owners, players and umps met in Palm Beach. Says Bob Mills, “The meeting was disrupted by frequent outbursts from all sides and was adjourned when Roberto Alomar sent out for another pitcher of water.”

To circumvent the NFL commissioner, the New York Jets hired former Patriots coach Bill Parcells as a “consultant.” Says Jerry Perisho, “The Patriots say that is ‘a farce, a scam, a facade.’ And that doesn’t even include the team the Jets field.”

“The NBA All-Star Game on Sunday was a chance to see the league’s greatest stars execute their most proficient play--the fast buck.” (Alan Ray)

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Modern Travel: A Houston neurologist reports that airline passengers in aisle seats suffer head injuries from objects falling from luggage compartments. Says Mills, “Objects that seem to pose the most danger are small satchels, laptop computers and, in the case of those all-you-can-drink charters to Hawaii, other passengers.”

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In Entertainment: “ ‘Daylight,’ like many of Sylvester Stallone’s recent movies, bombed in the domestic market, but it was a mega-hit overseas,” says Gary Easley. “Subtitles don’t mumble.”

NBC denied David Letterman use of footage from his old show. “Experts say NBC’s claim of intellectual property rights is questionable,” says Mike Reeder. “We are dealing with television here.”

There’s going to be a movie about the ‘70s disco group Village People. Observes the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Hollywood: ‘Let’s make a movie about a group whose only movie bombed.’ ”

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Politics as Usual: “L.A. mayoral candidate Tom Hayden has questioned incumbent Mayor Richard Riordan’s role in the hiring of a Whitewater figure as a lobbyist. A bold move by the former delegate to the Democratic National Convention, which nominated a Whitewater figure for president.” (Easley)

* President Bill Clinton vows to pass campaign finance reform. “No more under the table influence from foreign investors,” says Ray. “They will be introduced to direct deposit.”

* Newt Gingrich wants to investigate Democratic Party campaign finances. “Taking millions from wealthy backers may have violated GOP trademarks.” (Ray)

* “President Clinton called for the government to be partners with the people,” says Jay Leno. “I don’t mind that, but why do we always have to be the partners who put up the money?”

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Reader Helen Reade was caring for her 9-year-old grandson, Robert, while his little sister was sick. He was sad, so to cheer him up, she told him she would take him to see a movie at Mann’s Chinese theater in Hollywood. Robert shook his head.

“I don’t want to go, Grandma. I don’t like Chinese movies.”