Son of ‘The Rules’

Pretty soon, people are going to need referees on dates.

At first, it was just “The Rules,” a best-selling guide for “capturing the heart of Mr. Right.” But now, there’s also “The Real Rules,” “The Counter-Rules,” “Breaking the Rules,” “What Rules?” and “The Code.”

About the only angle missing is “Embraced by the Rules,” in which author Betty Eadie returns from a near-death experience with dating instructions from God.

And even that’s starting to seem less farfetched. As mating rituals grow more confusing, advice for singles--er, the “maritally challenged”--is oozing from all sorts of sources.

A sudden burst of altruism? Not exactly.

“I offer this with love, from me to you,” writes the author of one recent courtship manual. Loose translation: “Ka-ching! An initial printing of 300,000 copies at $4.99 a pop.”

And that’s for a latecomer. The original “Rules” duo, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, whose 1995 Warner handbook launched the craze, might as well be listed on the New York Stock Exchange. In addition to seminars, newsletters and $250-an-hour phone consultations based on their old-fashioned dating tactics, they’ve inked six-figure deals for a “Rules II” sequel and a “Rules”-inspired motion picture.

Likewise, Nate Penn and Lawrence LaRose banked a reported six figures for movie rights to their spoof, “The Code: Time-Tested Secrets for Getting What You Want From Women--Without Marrying Them” (Fireside, 1996).

(Sample “Code” tip: To get into a relationship, “bite the buttons off her blouse the first time you make love.” To get out, “bite the buttons off her blouse every time you make love.”)

Other attempts to cash in on the “Rules” rage, according to Publishers Weekly, include parody versions for cats and dogs (due in March) and a serious guide for gay men. No word on whether UFO abductees are working on a manual for romancing aliens (sample space rule: “Be clear that you don’t allow probing of your internal organs on the first date”), but anything seems possible.

Why now? Is there something about the approaching millennium or the blurring of sex roles causing this glut of guidebooks?

Maybe. But courtship has always been confounding.

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If Moses had been savvy enough to hire a good agent, he wouldn’t have come down from the mountain with just any old Ten Commandments. He would have returned with “The Ten Commandments of Love.” (Sample divine edict: “Thou shalt not use the pickup line, ‘If I sayeth that thou hast a great body, wouldst thou holdeth it against me?’ ”)

Actually, one of the earliest dating guides, written about the time of Christ’s birth, is Roman poet Ovid’s “The Art of Love,” which advises men on where to meet women (temples, courts and the Forum) and how to win their hearts (extravagant promises, liberal amounts of wine and, if necessary, seduction of the woman’s maid to gain her as an ally in the cause).

Females are urged to be mysterious and graceful, recommendations remarkably similar to Fein and Schneider’s “Rules.”

During the Middle Ages in Europe, “courtly love” came into vogue, and male suitors were told to obey their lady’s every whim. After that, various other schemes came and went, usually in novels or “conduct books.”

Apparently none really worked, though, because today--judging by the number of books, seminars and relationship shrinks on the market--dating angst remains epidemic.

Exhibit A is the success of John Gray, former personal assistant to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and best-selling author (10 million copies) of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” (HarperCollins, 1992).

Gray, based in Northern California, has transformed a few cleverly packaged truisms into an industry. In addition to a boggling array of audio and videotapes sold via infomercial, he promotes Mars and Venus vacation packages, calendars, seminars, CD-ROMs, training for other counselors and--most recently--his own touring Broadway show.

Not bad for a guy with a correspondence-school PhD.

Gray’s ex-wife, Barbara De Angelis, runs a rival relationship empire from Los Angeles. Calling herself the “love doctor,” she has racked up as many husbands--five, including magician Doug Henning, who used to saw her in half onstage--as best-selling advice books.

She, too, dispenses wisdom via infomercial. And her latest offering, rushed into print to counter the play-hard-to-get mantra of Fein and Schneider’s book, is “The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You” (Dell, 1997). Among the common-sense tips: “If you like someone, let him know,” and “Show your most attractive feature--your mind.”

De Angelis’ 25-point manifesto brings the number of “Rules”-related dating do’s and don’ts to 133.

And that’s not counting all the pre-”Rules” commandments out there, from Seventeen magazine’s innumerable courtship strategies to author Olivia St. Clair’s “203 Ways to Drive a Man Wild in Bed” (Harmony, 1993).

Heck, there are even techniques for dating the dead.

In D.J. Conway’s “Astral Love” (Llewellyn, 1996), readers learn how to attract sweethearts from the spirit realm. Naturally, safe sex remains a concern: “Think carefully before you establish a relationship with a deceased person,” Conway warns. “You do not want a succubus or an incubus,” the ghost-world equivalent of a slut.

Christians also work the romance etiquette field, notably psychologist James Dobson, whose pamphlet “Tough Love for Singles” (Focus on the Family, 1993) includes such pointers as, “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry the individual you think you can’t live without.”

Considering the potential audience, it was probably just a matter of time before Hollywood started sniffing around. Wendy Finerman, who produced “Forrest Gump,” optioned “The Rules” for a reported $250,000, and TriStar Pictures picked up “The Code.”

But the “Rules” phenomenon might be short-lived.

“In this type of category, the initial book does well and the first one or two imitators usually do OK, and then that’s it,” says Daisy Maryles, executive editor of Publishers Weekly.

Just in case things keep going, though, here’s a title that hasn’t been tried: “Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Hell.”

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The surfeit of guidelines made satire inevitable.

Christopher Buckley hurled some of the best darts in a New Yorker essay on “The Counter-Rules” for marriage-phobic males.

Anti-rule No. 7: “When the conversation turns to ‘commitment,’ tell her you once witnessed an Amazonian ritual in which a shaman sewed a man’s and a woman’s tongues together with crocodile gut. Remark, ‘Now, that’s commitment.’ She’ll probably change the subject.”

Another tip: “Always have an exit strategy [after sex]. Carry a beeper pre-programmed to go off at 3 a.m. Pick up the phone, speak angrily in French (high-school French will do), slam it down, and, as you storm out, declare that this is ‘the last time’ you’re ‘going to pull NATO’s [expletive] out of the fire.’ ”

On the Internet, something called “41 Rules for Women” is making the rounds:

* Rule 6: When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

* Rule 7: Unless the answer is yes.

* Rule 8: In which case, can he videotape it?

“The Code” similarly pokes fun from a male point of view.

Serious rules for men--aside from the perennial “How to Score With Chicks” ads at the back of some magazines--are rarer. But they do exist.

In the 1996 movie “Swingers,” for instance, when dateless Mike obtains a woman’s phone number but isn’t sure how soon to call, his buddies refer to “the industry standard” of waiting two days.

More recently, the New York Post came up with “What Rules?” a list of 20 “time-tested secrets for men on the make.” Recommendations: Spend big on the first few dates; take charge immediately when making plans; actually listen during conversations; and (big shock) don’t take cues from the guys on TV’s “Seinfeld.”

In a few instances, the various rules for men and women--which are worth upward of $10,000 each, depending on their author’s contract--are so obvious or unoriginal that they border on absurdity: “Be yourself,” urges De Angelis. “Don’t date a married man,” say Fein and Schneider.

Which gives us an idea for another best-selling “Rules” spinoff: “All I Really Need to Know About Dating, I Learned in Kindergarten.”