Returns of the day (such as they...

Returns of the day (such as they were):

The measly 24% turnout for L.A.’s municipal elections recalls a crack that comic Johnny Carson made after a similar voter showing for the 1989 mayoral campaign here. Said Carson: “Chicago gets a bigger turnout from the dead.”

LISTEN, HEAR: This column takes some of the blame for the stay-at-homes in the election. On Tuesday, we forgot to publish an inspiring--if misspelled--polling place reminder that was snapped by Merle Barstead last November (see photo).

A MELROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME: Rocky Rushing, a spokesman for losing candidate Tom Hayden, wouldn’t attribute the voters’ apathy to the fact that the two principals in the mayor’s race were uninspiring. Rather, he said, the problem was the lack of L.A.’s “political culture. . . . If this were the race to be mayor for ‘Melrose Place’ we would have gotten more attention from TV.”

Which reminds us. The race was so dull that even Melrose Larry Green, boulevard picketer and perennial candidate, declined to enter.

EUPHEMISMS R US: After the attempted escape of a “trusty” from the Pitchess Detention Center in Castaic, the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has changed the title of that job to “inmate worker.” The detention center, incidentally, used to be called an “honor rancho”--a term that conjures up visions of a Cub Scout camp.

That’s two euphemisms down. We’ve come across many others recently, including:

* sex workers: the term for prostitutes used at the recent International Conference on Prostitution

* living collections: the critters at the San Diego Zoo

* paired single-family homes: duplexes

* precious repeats and sweet seconds: used kids clothes

* guests: customers at Blockbuster Video--as in, “Can I help the next guest?”

IF YOU’VE HAD ONE VOLCANIC ERUPTION . . . : The movie “Volcano,” which involves some lava flow control problems on Wilshire Boulevard (to use a euphemism), is on its way. By coincidence, a colleague noted that his State Farm policy does address the problem--but only in a half-baked manner. (see excerpt).

COURT CLOWNS: Two other recent winners of the “Looney Lawsuit of the Month” award, given to local plaintiffs by Torrance-based Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse:

* The father of a Little League player unsuccessfully sued the league for $25,000 after “officials and coaches requested the man move away from the field where no one was standing (about 25 feet away) so the smoke wouldn’t bother anyone.”

* An attorney sued a friend after “they went recreational boating together and he injured himself while jumping on the dock as they approached the boat slip. The friend claimed that the attorney jumped of his own free will, but the attorney contended that he was ‘ordered by the skipper’ to jump.” The court told the attorney his argument didn’t hold water.

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The Airtel Plaza Hotel in Van Nuys, which hosted the aforementioned prostitute confab this year, will be putting Fifi on display April 28. Fifi is a B-29 bomber as well as the only remaining World War II Superfortress still capable of flight. Though no sex worker, Fifi is familiar with runways.