Is It Carr if by Land, Pitino, Bird if by Sea?

Listen, my children, and you shall hear,

Of the end of M.L. Carr’s coaching career.

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So where’s Paul Revere when they need him?

You would think a city that dumped all that tea in the harbor and warned the colonists that the British were coming could get rid of one overmatched basketball executive. But times have changed in Boston.

It’s no longer a revolution but a war between the Celtics. Fans are begging for the return of Larry Bird as general manager and Rick Pitino as coach, but the Celtics are too torn by internal strife to act.

On one side:

Paul Gaston, owner--Young, clueless New York broker, son of the former owner. He has had the

team for three seasons, each worse than the one before. Doesn’t come around often.

M.L. Carr, coach-general manager--Middle-aged and not very adept, either. He just led the team to its worst season, giving it the inside track to Tim Duncan--and probably blundered into that. But for injuries to Dino Radja, Pervis Ellison and Dee Brown, he might have won 10 more and missed the big prize.

Red Auerbach--Former coach, general manager, now behind-the-scenes advisor to Gaston. Always a believer in “Celtic family,” recommended Carr and may be propping him up now.

On the other side:

Bird--Celtic legend, wants to be general manager and hire Pitino, whom he has called several times to discuss the job. Bird is reportedly on bad terms with Auerbach, who doesn’t like his courting Pitino so openly and fears he would dump Red loyalists in the front office, such as Jan Volk.

Pitino--Former Providence coach whose wife comes from the area. Wants to coach but on his terms, with a Pat Riley deal and Bird in charge.

Publicly, Pitino keeps insisting it’s over but keeps in hourly touch with Boston writers. Last week he arranged a book tour to Boston for a new round of protests of innocence and lack of interest, in which he acknowledged talking with Bird and said that the Celtics’ management setup was odd.

Said Pitino: “Larry talked to me about the organization and he said that things were just intolerable to him. He said he didn’t know what his role would be but that if things didn’t change he would not be a part of it. . . .

“I just look at what I’d be going into up there and ask myself why I would do that in a million years. There are too many people who have an agenda there. That makes it almost impossible to win. If things were different, then I’d have to look at it in a different light. But it’s not going to change. I can’t see it. No one knows outside of Mr. Gaston who makes the decisions. . . .

“For me, there’s just too big a risk in that situation. And it’s not that I’m worried about losing or rebuilding. I have no problem taking a challenge. But in order to be successful in basketball or in business, you have to have a management structure that works. From the owner to the trainer, everyone has to be committed to the same thing. I don’t get that feeling at all when I think about Boston.”

Carr is committed to his survival. Having proven he isn’t a born coach, he will probably bring in someone new--but isn’t likely to endorse anyone whose first move will be to boot him out of power, altogether.

Carr did approach Pitino two years ago, after firing Chris Ford, but Pitino suggests it was a token move. According to Pitino, Carr asked him, “You’re not interested, right?”

Wrong.

For the moment, Carr has fought the insurgents to a standstill, but as the British could tell you, it isn’t over till it’s over.

WILLIAMS IN CHICAGO: WHAT, ME STRANGE?

Yes, there’s a difference between the Clippers and Chicago Bulls. Take Brian Williams’ third game, when he went into the dressing room beforehand, sat down and was surrounded by 12 reporters. “Update?” asked one.

“Is this going to be a daily basis?” Williams asked.

Not that it’s going to last long. Eight games of the regular season, the playoffs and then, unless Michael Jordan leaves and the Bulls are under the cap, it’ll be sayonara, Windy City.

This is pure audition. The Bulls can offer Williams only a 20% raise on his league-minimum $247,500 salary, or $297,000. He has something higher in mind, $6 million-$7 million higher, which he sought and missed so spectacularly last summer.

Of course, he’s not getting $247,500. The Bulls are paying him eight games’ worth--$24,444--making him one of the great bargains of the ‘90s, with Bill Wennington out, Robert Parish feeble and Luc Longley playing like Luc Longley.

You think our guy hasn’t learned something? Preceded by his sky-diving, desert-cycling reputation, about to be a free agent again, Williams is toning it down.

“I’m trying to shake the tag of being a vanguard and a renegade,” he says. “People think that I’m some kind of James Bond guy, jumping out of planes every morning before breakfast. I did it, I experienced the thrill. That was enough for me.”

Given his situation six months ago--unemployed, coming off knee surgery, facing arthroscopy on the same knee--he’s looking better. He says his weight, 275, is only five pounds more than he weighed last season, even if it looks like 20 more.

But he’s back and about to experience another thrill. This time, he won’t even need a parachute.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

Players, coaches and general managers winced when Denver’s LaPhonso Ellis, who fought for three seasons to return from knee surgeries, tore an Achilles’ tendon. Not only is he a 20-point scorer, he’s also one of the most personable young men around. “He went from No. 20 in the [1992] draft to No. 5 on the strength of his visits,” Pacer President Donnie Walsh says. “He lights up a room when he enters it. By the end of his interview here, he was interviewing us.” The Nuggets can renew Ellis’ contract this summer but are holding off. Said General Manager Allan Bristow, “I don’t want to address it at this time.”

The Eastern Conference has a 241-176 record against the West. Only four Western teams--Utah, Seattle, Houston and the Lakers--have winning records against the East. Ten East teams had winning records against the West and an 11th, Toronto, was .500. . . . Shawn Kemp, the Seattle SuperSonics’ SuperEnigma, held a press conference after being suspended for a string of missed practices and flights and, characteristically, explained nothing. “As for being late to practices and meetings and stuff, there’s nothing to that,” he said. “It was just me being tardy and being frustrated from not playing well the past month.” Seattle TV stations had planned to carry it live but couldn’t when--what else?--the session started 35 minutes late.

An unidentified 76er told the Philadelphia Inquirer that Derrick Coleman, apparently taking the rest of the season off, is faking his calf injury. “That guy could be playing,” the player said. “There’s nothing wrong with him.” The 76ers are expected to trade Coleman in the off-season. The Heat made a bid for him at the trading deadline and may try again. . . . He’s b-a-a-c-k: Charles Barkley, blasting Eastern teams trying to stay out of the Bulls’ bracket: “We’re not like some chicken teams in the East that are scared to play the Bulls. That’s the stupidest thing in the world. First of all, they don’t think they can beat the Bulls. That lets you know that they’re gutless.” . . . Celtic Rick Fox, after a fan made a half-court shot to win $77,777 at the FleetCenter: “He probably would have still hit it if one of us was guarding him.”