Punch Lines

Wearing the Green: “Masters tournament history,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Best score ever, biggest margin ever, youngest to win and the first black or Asian American to win. More important, Tiger Woods is the first golfer in Masters history to have a decent sense of fashion.”

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Parting with the Green: IRS returns are due today. Post offices around the country will stay open late to accommodate last-minute filers. “Ahhh,” says Mike Reeder, “your two favorite government experiences in one place.”

* “April 15. The day we all set our clocks back to take-my-savings time.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “This is the day members of Congress have the good sense not to tell voters what they did for tax reform.” (Gary Easley)

* The IRS has nationwide filing by phone, says Jenny Church. “For the audit from hell, push 666.”

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In Other Government News: President Clinton has given federal workers time off for family obligations. “Pretty impressive move,” says the Daily Scoop. “He moved ‘em from welfare to work and back home again in 48 hours.”

Another person--San Diego Padres owner John J. Molores--has admitted he hired Webster Hubbell. “No wonder the unemployed can’t find jobs,” says Johnny Robish. “Webster Hubbell’s taken them all.”

“On the floor of Congress the other day, two congressmen got into a fight. That shows you how screwed up the government is,” says Jay Leno. “You got congressmen fighting and guys in the Army harassing women. It’s supposed to be the other way around.”

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Business News: Citing “flawed legal judgment,” Sears will return millions it had demanded from bankrupt customers. “Customers owing past due bills had been told to pay up or be locked in a room with an Allstate salesman.” (Bob Mills)

“New documents released by the Liggett Group show that in the ‘50s and ‘60s its cigarettes contained hazardous substances including something called ‘Toxikil,’ ” says Leno. “Who would name something that? Was the name ‘Deathgel’ already taken?”

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News from All Over: “Scientists believe there might be life deep in the ocean vents on Jupiter’s moon, Europa,” says Michael Feldman. “Some bacteria, tube worms or at least a Howard Stern-like creature.”

The Shroud of Turin was saved from a fire in Turin, Italy. “Also saved was the idiot who yelled, ‘Yikes! Flames! Quick, hand me that blanket.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Frank Kniest was showing his 4-year-old niece Marissa a spider web on a rose bush. He explained that the web was the spider’s house and it trapped bugs in it to eat them. An incredulous look crossed Marissa’s face.

“For breakfast?”