Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

Poor Fuzzy Zoeller.

All those stuffy folks listening and watching him carefully position his foot and place it directly in his mouth didn’t get the joke.

Standing in the shadow of the landmark old oak tree at Augusta National on the last day of the Masters, Zoeller casually tossed out a racial stereotype about Tiger Woods and people got all bent out of shape.

Woods was tearing up the golf shrine of Antebellum America, where until a few years ago people of color were barred from membership, and where more of them still lug clubs than swing them. Zoeller was asked what he thought.

And then he didn’t think.

Zoeller told CNN, “That little boy is driving well and he’s putting well. He’s doing everything it takes to win. So, you know what you guys do when he gets in here? You pat him on the back and say congratulations and enjoy it and tell him not to serve fried chicken next year. Got it?”

Then he snapped his fingers, turned to walk away, and decided to add another throwaway line, saying, “Or collard greens or whatever the hell they serve.”

Now that’s a real thigh-slapper, isn’t it? Good ol’ Fuzzy. Always quick with the quip.

When somebody suggested that the remarks might not be in the best of taste, Zoeller went into spin control.

“My comments were not intended to be racially derogatory, and I apologize for the fact that they were misconstrued in that fashion,” he said in a statement.

Misconstrued?

Which part was misconstrued? The part about “boy” or the part about fried chicken and collard greens?

What exactly did he mean? Help us construe them, Fuzzy.

“People who know me know I’m a jokester,” Zoeller said. “I just didn’t deliver the line well. I’m in a no-win situation. Accept my apology, please. I apologized to Tiger. I apologize to anyone I might have offended.”

Not good enough, decided Kmart, which dropped Zoeller as a corporate spokesman in the aftermath of the affair.

Kmart called the comments inappropriate and offensive, which seemed pretty accurate. “Regardless of the context, they are contrary to Kmart’s long-standing policies that ensure our words and deeds are without bias,” the company said.

Nothing there could be misconstrued.

Zoeller also pulled out of the week’s PGA Tour event, the Greater Greensboro Chrysler Classic, choking back tears as he explained that the uproar was unfair to the other golfers and that he wanted to apologize personally to Woods before playing again.

Woods released a statement Thursday saying the remarks had “shocked” him but that he accepted Zoeller’s apology.

“His attempt at humor was out-of-bounds, and I was disappointed by it,” Woods said.

This is not the first time some poor sports figure has had his words bounce back on him.

Late in the NBA season, New Jersey Nets coach John Calipari became angry over a less-than complimentary observation that Dan Garcia of the Newark Star-Ledger wrote about him and the team.

Since truth is the first defense for libel and the Nets finished 26-56, Garcia was on pretty safe ground. Calipari still objected and called the reporter a “Mexican idiot.”

About the time Garcia reported the remark to the league, it occurred to Calipari that there might be a good-taste problem here, and the coach began backpedaling.

“I would like to apologize to Dan Garcia for my ill-advised attempt at humor and insensitivity for the remark,” Calipari said in a statement. “In retrospect, I can understand how the remark could have been misinterpreted.”

And Calipari’s remark was misinterpreted. Exactly which part of it? Mexican? Idiot? Or the preceding expletive that was deleted?

“I have apologized to Dan personally and in writing, and in no way was my intent to be derogatory in a racial context,” Calipari said. “I am sorry for any pain my remarks have caused.”

Not good enough, decided NBA commissioner David Stern, who nailed Calipari for $25,000, the stiffest fine ever imposed on a coach.

“Everybody associated with the NBA should understand that racially insensitive or derogatory comments are not acceptable,” Stern said.

And there was no misinterpreting that.

So the message for Zoeller and Calipari was plain and simple. It’s something most folks are taught as kids.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Or be prepared to pay for it down the road.