Punch Lines

Crowded Sky: A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. “It was driven by Kelsey Grammerov.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Fortunately no one was hurt, but now the station is known as Schmir,” says Russ Myers.

* “If any of the debris falls to Earth, the government is praying it doesn’t land in Roswell.” (Jimmy McGill)

* “NASA has learned an important lesson,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Never hook up in space with a country whose people pay a year’s salary for a pair of blue jeans.”

* “Of course there are plans already for a movie. I believe they’re calling it ‘Speed 3: Boris Yeltsin at the Controls.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

* “Did you know that ‘Mir’ is Russian for ‘Amtrak’?” (Jay Leno)

* “Astronauts had trouble closing the door to the damaged module. Seems that 200 business cards from lawyers had somehow become stuck in the doorway.” (Will Couzin)

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The Prez: Kenneth Starr is now delving into President Clinton’s love life. “Starr says he’s interested in the women only for what they may know about his financial dealings,” says the Daily Scoop. “Sorry, Air Force. Looks like we have a tie for the week’s most implausible story.”

* “That’s none of Starr’s business,” says Argus Hamilton. “President Clinton’s personal life is a private matter between him and the comedians.”

*

In the News: “A federal government report says that the stimulant methamphetamine is quickly becoming the most widely abused drug,” says Johnny Robish. “I imagine everything is done quickly on methamphetamine.”

President Clinton responded to U.N. Earth Summit criticism by endorsing tough new standards for clean air. “It’s about time,” says Hamilton. “Twice during the 1996 Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky.”

The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, and senior citizens are upset. “GOP Sen. Strom Thurmond responded, ‘These youngsters nowadays. It’s always gimme, gimme, gimme.” (Jerry Perisho)

British explorer Robert Swan, the only person to walk the North and South poles, is planning a new trip to the Antarctic, this time taking a group of politicians with him to show them the effects of global warming. Says Voldseth, “The bad news is, he wants to bring them back.”

“Former Vice President Dan Quayle put his Indianapolis house on the market for $1.4 million. It has five bedrooms and five bathrooms. But the elevator doesn’t go all the way up.” (Hamilton)

Reader Susie Steinmeyer’s 5-year-old daughter, Jackie, was talking with her grandmother on the phone. When her grandmother asked her how the weather was at Jackie’s home in Corona del Mar, she replied, “medium.” Asked what that meant, Jackie said,

“Half sun and half wind.”