THE NFL / T.J. SIMERS : NFL SUMMER CAMP

I spent my summer vacation at camp. Well, at seven NFL training camps in California and Wisconsin, beginning with an invitation to eat with the Chargers, so long as I stayed away from the players.

I asked if someone could identify the players and learned quickly that the Chargers do not have a sense of humor.

I went to watch the Chicago Bears in some place called Platteville. Tell me that’s hell and I will sin no more. And I most certainly will not eat the fried cheese curds--even though they were the 99-cent special of the month at the A & W root beer stand.

Bear Coach Dave Wannstedt began talking about his team, and immediately it began to thunder. I’d be angry too, if someone suggested that Rick Mirer might be the Bears’ savior.

On the practice fields from La Jolla to Platteville, Wis., I watched about 560 players over a 15-day span, and about 500 of them went out of the way to use their amazing athletic ability to dodge little kids intent on getting their autographs.

I noticed the exceptions: Steve Young, Robert Brooks and Marcus Allen.

I watched the very best 500 yards in professional football--a stretch of Green Bay’s Lambeau Field parking lot where youngsters share their bikes with the Packers in a daily tandem ride to the practice field.

I noticed the exceptions: Brett Favre and Reggie White escaping via the back way in their expensive cars.

There are four teams training in Wisconsin--the Packers are joined by the Bears, the Chiefs and the Saints, and they make up the “Cheese League”--and while driving on one of the many two-lane highways in the state there came this news on the radio: “Twenty-three percent of Wisconsin adults are binge drinkers, the highest figure by far in the country.” You’d drink too, if you had to walk around with a chunk of fake cheese on your head just to be accepted.

In La Crosse, a growling Mike Ditka took offense at a question and made fun of Los Angeles’ lack of a pro football team. I thought about telling Iron Mike that New Orleans now has something in common with Los Angeles, but my parents didn’t raise a dummy.

In Napa, mean old Al Davis wouldn’t let me sit in a chair in a restaurant in a hotel at which I was paying more than $150 a night. Marcus Allen got a laugh out of that in River Falls, Wis., a few days later.

I can tell you, bugs die hard in Wisconsin, football players might be mean and tough but they can’t go from here to there without a golf cart, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear one day that a nosy spectator had been shot by a security guard while trying to peek over the wall at the Raiders.

The Saints looked the most disorganized in practice, the Bears the most spirited, the 49ers the most talented, the Chiefs the hardest working, and it beats the heck out of me why the Chargers bother. I would have asked Coach Joe Bugel how the Raiders looked, but I figured he’d have to ask Al Davis first, and there is no guarantee Davis would have let him sit down.

Kansas City running back Greg Hill pushes himself harder than anyone else, 280-pound defensive tackle Chris Zorich runs wind sprints in full uniform, including pads and helmet, while the rest of his Bear teammates strip to shorts and T-shirts, and the best I could tell, Raider wide receiver Desmond Howard does nothing.

Rod Woodson is so good that he can limp and start at cornerback for the 49ers. If Elvis Grbac talks to his teammates in the huddle the way he gives interviews, someone is going to have to nudge the Chiefs to keep them awake. Tim Brown is still the best player the Raiders have, but Napoleon Kaufman looks like someone who should be playing in the Pro Bowl.

I saw Jim Everett ducking for cover in a Charger uniform, heard Jeff George whine that he’s no baby, took pride in differentiating Steve Mariucci from the 49er ball boys in Rocklin, drove down Holmgren Way right behind Holmgren, and laughed out loud every time I saw someone driving a convertible in Green Bay.

Back on the highway, Bonduel, Wis., which has a population of 1,210 and two funeral homes, is the spelling capital of Wisconsin, but I’m not sure I spelled “Bonduel” and “capital” correctly. [Editor’s note: He did. Lucky guesses, probably.] There is no toilet paper in the men’s room at the gas station in Shawano, but there are very nice pictures of the Packers. I saw the signs for Hidden Haven, but couldn’t find it.

Everyone who lives in the state of Wisconsin and owns a home must be required to put a deer statue on the front lawn. [Editor’s note: In the Milwaukee area, many prefer flamingos.]

In River Falls, where the Chiefs practice, the first 12 minutes on the parking meters are free, as long as you turn the handle, and that’s more than enough time to tour the whole city. If you want to catch a movie, go ahead, big spender: It will cost $4--$2 for the ticket and $2 for the parking fine for failing to feed the meter. The Chiefs will charge you $22 to eat dinner in the University of Wisconsin River Falls cafeteria.

Me, I went to Mary’s cafe and talked to Anne, the owner.

The Raiders close practices, but every other team throws open training camp workouts for everyone to see, which, given the paranoia in the NFL, suggests they aren’t doing anything all that important.

So skip practice. In Wisconsin, the drive between River Falls and La Crosse on the Great River Road that runs alongside the Mississippi is a scenery lover’s delight. But I’m telling you, there isn’t a 7-Eleven in the state. There is a tavern every 10 yards, however.

I could not believe how big Lake Pepin was, and yet I knew after watching Danny Wuerffel throw the ball for the Saints, he would probably have trouble hitting it. I wrote about the 49ers’ J.J. Stokes earlier and dismissed their Iheanyi Uwaezuoke as a wasted draft pick, and now the 49ers insist I got my Nigerians mixed up, and to sort of prove it, they released Israel Ifeanyi. They say they just love Iheanyi, really love the guy. Or was that Ifeanyi?

In Green Bay, I ran into a big-time hardened football columnist for one of those big-time tough newspapers back in New York and he was shelling out $9.95 for a jar of dirt.

“You see this,” he said, pointing to the official signature on the jar. “It’s certified real dirt from Lambeau Field. By the head groundskeeper himself. You got to have it.”

Maybe you will want to go to camp next summer. This is what you can expect:

LA JOLLA

You’ve heard how tough training camp can be? The Chargers can actually sit on a terrace eating lunch and watch the hang gliders soaring over the Pacific Ocean.

Fans must stay behind a rope, but anyone interested in really acquiring an autograph need only move across the UC San Diego campus to the team’s dining area and nab the player of choice. If you ask a player who he is, and he says, “Nobody,” it’s a safe bet he’s one of the wide receivers.

Player to watch in camp: Linebacker Junior Seau, when not injured, practices harder than the guys who should be practicing harder. Seau had knee surgery Monday and will sit out the rest of camp.

NAPA

The Raiders stay at a Marriott, walk out the back door along the tennis courts and practice on old school grounds surrounded by tall walls. Security guards, who look more imposing than most of the Raiders’ offensive linemen, make it seem as if they’re guarding Ft. Knox.

This is the only team in the NFL that’s not available for viewing during training camp. I guess the Raiders don’t want anyone knowing they are working on the vertical passing game.

Players have to walk through the lobby of the hotel to get to their daily meetings, making them easy targets for autograph seekers. Al Davis eats in the hotel restaurant, and I urge everyone to pull up a chair and talk to him.

Player to watch: If someone is going to make a spectacular catch, it’s going to be Kenny Shedd, but then how would you know, since you can’t watch practice.

ROCKLIN

There are more fans here for 49er practice than at any Raider home game--school parking lots are jammed. There are souvenirs for sale, a snack bar, and if you buy enough tickets or do any other kind of business with the team, you win an invitation to the dining area, where you can watch the players eat.

The players practice so far behind chain-link fences that it’s tough to understand why anyone would bother making the trip to see them. After most practices, Young and Mariucci approach the fence and sign autographs. More than once, Young has had to call it off to prevent young kids from being crushed against the fence.

Security guards keep most fans at a distance on the Sierra College campus, which can be best described as an oven. The 49ers are considering a move to the University of Pacific in Stockton next year.

Player to watch: He’s not the most approachable athlete, but on the field, Jerry Rice is in a class by himself, running every play he can, making the toughest catch and looking as if he has never broken a sweat.

ASHWAUBENON

OK, so it’s Green Bay, but Lambeau Field is in the suburban village of Ashwaubenon. Coach Mike Holmgren, who had a street named after him there, was asked to spell the village’s name. “A-S-H-W-A-U-B-E-N-E-N,” he ventured. Oh well.

The Packers have summer camp right where they practice all the rest of the season--on the fields sandwiching the Don Hutson Center. Packer Drive has been closed for the duration and it appears that the thousands of fans in attendance have been required to buy team jerseys in order to gain admittance.

Autograph seekers begin lining up hours before practice, and after the workout is over, the team opens a gate and has five or six players seated at a table, signing their names. I bought a $10 raffle ticket for an official “Green Bay Packer sporty truck.” What a hoot if a guy from California were to win it. Otherwise, it’s simply a $10 write-off on the expense account. [Editor’s note: Wrong, big spender.]

Players to watch: Very interesting to watch Brett Favre and Reggie White along the sideline. They not only keep things loose, but appear to feed off each other’s enthusiasm.

RIVER FALLS

You can arrive 30 minutes into a Chiefs’ practice and find a parking spot in the front row. It’s just the kind of place Elvis might go to hide, and after watching Elvis Grbac throw the ball, there’s an idea. This is Viking territory, what with the Minnesota state line not far away, and although there are signs everywhere touting the Chiefs’ presence, no one seems to care.

The Chiefs have a bunch of assistant coaches who have lost touch with reality. “There it is,” wide receiver coach Al Saunders shouts, “touchdown Chiefs!”

Player to watch: Grbac looks big and slow, but Greg Hill has been given the assignment for the 50th time to replace Marcus Allen as the featured back. Hill is not only explosive, but upset that everyone thinks he has been given 50 chances to replace Allen. “Just three,” he said.

LA CROSSE

There is a cemetery across the street from the Saints’ practice fields, and it’s tough to tell which plot of ground is more active. The Saints stand around a lot, talking and looking as if they are making up the plays as they go along. Danny Abramowicz is making his debut as an offensive coordinator and he appears hesitant, or maybe reluctant, to continue, considering that he has Heath Shuler and Danny Wuerffel throwing the ball.

The way Ditka has it planned anyway, Mario Bates and Troy Davis will be the only guys touching the ball. Ditka eats alone in the Saints’ cafeteria.

Player to watch: Give me time, I’ll think of one.

PLATTEVILLE

Each local business adopts a Bear and hangs his picture in the store window, and the town was getting ready for “hog night,” when everyone gets to come and watch the Bears eat in a roped-off area. Coincidentally, the Bears will be slaughtered on Monday night TV in the Packers’ regular-season opener, for the amusement of Cheeseheads everywhere.

The Bears have more security and more roadblocks to prevent the unwashed from mingling with their players than any other team--except the Raiders. Hard to believe that many people want Bob Sapp’s autograph.

Player to watch: The Bears traded for Rick Mirer, give him all the snaps with the first offensive unit and then readily admit, “He’s not as good as Erik Kramer,” who is working with the second team. That’s all right, only two months until the Bulls open training camp.