The Chase of the Week

(Sound of helicopter rotors. Theme music up: “Expressway to Your Heart.” Between parted stage curtains, HOST enters: O.J. SIMPSON. Tape-loop applause; there is no studio audience.)

O.J.: Hey, thanks, and welcome, all you fast-lane fans, this is “Drive Time TV,” where we bring you the best of the week’s freeway chases every, uh, week. And this is my sidekick, my occasional chauffeur, Mr. Al Cowlings!

(More taped applause as COWLINGS enters, sits in sidekick chair.)

O.J.: So A.C., how’s it goin’, man?

A.C.: Slow, O.J., real slow. I’d say about 30 miles an hour.

(Both guffaw.)

O.J.: OK, A.C., whaddya got for us today?

A.C.: A good one: Guy steals a spearfishing gun in Newport Beach, gets as far as, ah, Montrose I believe is the name of it.

O.J.: Good fishing in Montrose. (Both laugh. Taped applause comes in late.) And here with this chase is our guest, Lt. Hy Octane of those boys in blue, the CHP.

OCTANE: We, uh, wear brown, O.J.

O.J.: Oh yeah, you’re the ones that didn’t plant that glove! (A.C. howls and slaps his thigh.) Anyway, you brought some video, so let’s see that right now.

(Tape rolls.)

OCTANE: Now the suspect initiated this pursuit by allegedly stealing a spearfishing gun, retail value approximately $135, from a dive shop in Newport Beach. After the, ah, clerk said the suspect’s check was not approved, the suspect announced he was with the CIA and was taking the gun in as a stolen item. We, ah, have no independent confirmation of that.

Let’s fast-forward here. Now, as you can see, the suspect is finally exiting the vehicle and laying down, and arresting officers exit their units to effect the apprehension.

A.C.: What took Mr. Suspect so long? He order pizza or something?

(Tape ends, stage lights up.)

A.C.: Same ol’, same ol’.

OCTANE: That’s the way we like it, Mr. Cowlings.

O.J.: And we’ll be right back with our special guest right after this information from our sponsors.

(Tape rolls. Spot for Red Devil Dye #2, the exploding dye packaged with every bundle of currency stolen from a bank: “Rely on Red Devil, the dye that leaves them red-faced and catches them red-handed.”)

O.J.: We’re back with Dr. Rem Taylor, and he’s an expert in freeway psychology. Now, why is it that people watch these chases? Even if the person driving is not, say, an internationally beloved sports figure and movie celebrity and whose threat of suicide brings the whole world to a stop?

TAYLOR: Well, they’re kind of like junk food. The same way you start eating a bag of potato chips and they’re gone before you realize it, people start watching these chases and pretty soon a half-hour’s gone and nothing’s happened but you can’t stop. You’re throwing good time after bad.

As for the drivers themselves, clearly they can’t truly believe they can get away, with all that surveillance and TV coverage. We are working to reconstruct their thinking in this.

A.C.: Doc, I got a question. If Rodney King was driving, say, a 16-valve Mercedes SLK instead of a Hyundai, think he could’ve got as far as Santa Barbara? So the LAPD never woulda had a shot at him?

(TAYLOR, perplexed, leaves.)

O.J.: Well, that’s about it for this week. How’d you rate that chase, A.C.?

A.C.: Not much, except for the spear gun. Maybe we shoulda invited Lloyd Bridges on. (They laugh.)

O.J.: And don’t forget, every month we pick a freeway chase of the month, and at the end of the year, one monthly winner wins a grand prize awarded by our judges, the pilots of Choppers 2 through 13.

In case you want to enter our contest, let’s go over the categories again. One, the initial crime--driving alone in a carpool lane ain’t gonna cut it. Me, I had a double-murder rap. Two, how many freeways you cover. Three, how long the chase lasts. Four, how many TV and police helicopters you draw.

A.C.: We had 19, right, O.J.?

O.J.: I think they had the National Guard up there for us, Al. OK, last category: What show gets bumped by your chase. Most points for preempting a soap opera, because those people get seriously PO’d. Or the NBA playoffs, like I did, if you can call that candy-ass short-pants game a sport. Lowest points, State of the Union speech. I mean, who cares?

A.C.: And what do you get if you have a gun and a disguise and ten thousand in cash in the car?

O.J. and A.C. (in unison): Acquitted! (They laugh.)

O.J.: Our grand-prize winner will receive a deluxe chauffeur-driven trip to the Long Beach Grand Prix to see how it’s done.

A.C.: But you gotta serve your time first, man. We don’t want to encourage anyone to a life of crime here, right, O.J.?

O.J.: Yeah, people, don’t break the law just to get on TV.